Supplemental Rules and Regulations
by Sekhem
Summary: It all began after Hawkeye got her dog, and spiraled downward from there. A chronicle of the day-to-day chaos of Eastern HQ, and the supplemental rules that grew out of it. Surprisingly, Ed and Alphonse are not the main culprits. Rated T, for safety.
1. Chapter 1

This is inspired by the army's Skippy List and the variations I've seen on this site, most notably Gothfeary's Stargate: SG-1 version and A Rhea King's CSI: Vegas version. I know I'm following a trend here, but considering that I was giggling while I wrote a lot of this, I can understand why these are so popular.

As always, I'm just borrowing the characters, and will return them to Arakawa-san when I'm done.

Please review. I crave the feedback.

#

_It began as a joke, really, after the story about how Lieutenant Hawkeye acquired her dog, Black Hayate, started to get around._

_The first rule appeard on the bulletin board in the third floor break room, the one used by Colonel Mustang and his men. It was neatly typewritten on the letterhead from the colonel's office, so the general assumption was that it originated with him, not that he ever said one way or the other._

_Nobody expected it to take on a life of its own._

#

ADDITIONAL RULES AND REGULATIONS TO BE OBEYED BY ALL BASE PERSONNEL, AS PER THE ORDERS OF COLONEL ROY MUSTANG (among others...)

#

Do not cross Lt. Hawkeye.

a. Just don't.

_Upon learning that her dog-training methods involved the use of firearms, this one was unanimously agreed upon._

#

Wild goose chases are to be postponed until your off-duty hours.

a. This includes the ones instigated by your commanding officer.

_Lt. Hawkeye had absolutely no intention letting Colonel Mustang or her fellow officers live down the Warehouse 13 incident._

#

The game "I Never" is not to be used to garner blackmail material.

a. Neither is "Truth or Dare."

"_Well, there goes fifty percent of my income," Vato Fallman sighed._

#

You are not allowed to sell your soul on government time.

a. Or use it as collateral.

_The last bet Furey had made cost him nearly all of his money for the month. Havoc offered him the money back in exchange for his soul, and he accepted. Havoc held it over his head for the next week._

#

Do not pervert your native language. It's the only one we have, people.

_By the time the Edward and Alphonse Elric got through with the word apple, Maes Hughes had fainted, and it took two hours for Riza Hawkeye to stop giggling._

#

When dealing with a fellow alchemist who is shorter than yourself, please refrain from mentioning the disparity of height.

_Oddly enough, it was Colonel Mustang who posted this._

#

Funeral services are not to be held for dead chimeras.

_The only exception to the rule was for the chimera who had once been Nina Tucker and her dog, Alexander, although there wasn't enough left of either to bury. Edward never said anything, but he was grateful, nonetheless._

#

When a fellow officer has made it known he is trying to quit smoking, do not taunt them with cigarettes.

_Lt. Havoc had done this while then-Major Hughes had just quit. He and Hughes both spent time first in the infirmary, then in the stockade for the resulting brawl. Colonel Mustang, for his part, was reported to have laughed until his sides hurt._

#

Alchemy is not a toy. Treat it with the respect it's due.

_Edward and Alphonse had been playing KIng of the Mountain on an alchemized hill they'd named Mt. Elric. It started out silly, and became even moreso when Major Armstrong got involved._

#

Using a child that is not your own in order to pick up members of the opposite sex is strictly prohibited. Violators will be skinned.

_Colonel Mustang and Lt. Havoc had each gotten it in their heads that women liked men that were good with children. Each one had on separate occasions, made off with Elysia Hughes with the intention of showing off their more nurturing qualities...such as they were. Elysia limped away from the second experience with a skinned knee, dirty playclothes, and a sugar buzz that would have had an adult in orbit._

_When Maes and Gracia found out, they were not happy._

_The colonel and lieutenant were in hiding for three days._

#

The Roy Mustang lookalike contests are to cease immediately.

"_Don't I even get my prize?" Alphonse Elric complained._

#

Any money from official funds that have been used on an unauthorized wild goose chase will be reimbursed by the personnel involved.

_Colonel Mustang never would see that 10,000 sens again._

#

Crank calls. No.

_After spending a day fielding phone calls from people variously claiming to be Father Cornello of Liore, Lady Dante, the ghost of the Iron Blood Alchemist, Fuhrer Bradley, Scar, Paracelsus, and "the people who have your mother," Caine Furey burst into tears and fled the radio room._

#

Base personnel under the age of sixteen are not to be given coffee under any circumstances. (By order of Gracia Hughes.)

_Elysia Hughes, gas molecule. Her father and honorary uncle went into hiding until Gracia and Elysia both had calmed down._

#

If you encounter the creature known as Lust, do NOT ask her if her pimp knows where she is.

a. Especially if you value your spleen.

_One of the rank and file had tried to purchase her services at a bar one night. The doctors said he'd make a full recovery in about a year._

#

If a superior officer is sleeping at his desk, let him lie. Do not wake him for anything short of the end of the world.

"_Nice try, sir."_

#

Eastern Headquarters is not an animal adoption center. Stray animals are to be taken to the proper authorities.

a. This means you, Alphonse.

b. And you, Furey.

_The marmelade tabby in the litter of feral kittens Alphonse had brought in one day bit Colonel Mustang twice before he got the message not to pick it up. By the end of the week, they were crawling all over him._

_If Alphonse had known that the colonel was allergic, he might have reconsidered his actions._

#

For the second time, stop perverting the language, people. I mean it.

_Edward and Sciezka had been discussing alternate uses of the word area. Warrant Officer Fallman is now unable to look at either of them without blushing._

#

All female personnel will report to the quartermaster to be measured for miniskirts.

"_What part of Rule One do you not get, Mustang?" Edward Elric was heard to ask._

#

All male personnel will report to the quartermaster for refitting of their uniforms.

_When Colonel Mustang heard just what the alterations were, he went pale. "Do they have to be that tight?" he asked._

"_Turnabout is fair play, sir," Lt. Hawkeye said._

#

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Well, this one seems to be a hit. Thanks to everyone for their reviews, or just for stopping by and reading. This chapter is rated T for implied adult situations.

As always, Hiromu Arakawa owns _Fullmetal Alchemist_ and all associated characters and situations.

And so, with no further ado, I give you the beginnings of the prank war...among other things.

#

_The lone figure crept into the break room and read the pages that made up the List. He snickered at most of them, and actually laughed out loud at several more. He thought for a moment, then wrote his own addition._

_He stood back and admired his handiwork for a moment, then turned on his heels and left, nodding casually to one of the passing soldiers._

#

The homonculous known as Envy is no longer to be referred to as a crossdressing mutant palm tree.

a. He is a handsome and charming fellow who would like nothing more than to establish a close personal relationship with the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother. (inspired by tinytokirabbit7)

"_Why'd you post that one, Roy?"_

"_...I didn't."_

"_I could have sworn I saw you..."_

"_Maes, you know that isn't my writing."_

_The two men exchanged a look, then sprang into action. Half an hour later, the entire base was under lockdown and on high alert, and the Elric brothers had been taken into protective custody._

#

State Alchemists are not subject to leash laws.

_Maes hadn't said much while Roy explained the phrase "dog of the military" to Elysia, but when Roy's birthday came around, he received a leash and collar from Maes as a gag gift. Most people agreed that this was the opening shot of the legendary prank war of the East._

#

The younger brother of the Fullmetal Alchemist is neither a trash can, a mailbox, nor a convenient hiding place. Please refrain from using him as such.

"_Thank you, Brother."_

#

Do not piss off the librarians. They control the information in the library, and access to much-needed reference books.

_After Sciezka found out that Mustang was the one who came up with the idea for his men to find Havoc a girlfriend, the librarians were unable to find the materials he needed for his research for two weeks._

#

All bets are to be placed with Vato Fallman.

_With the outbreak of the prank war, the base betting pool saw a major expansion of its business._

#

Whoever started the rumors about Colonel Mustang and Major Elric, start running.

_The story had somehow started that Roy Mustang's relationship with Edward Elric had taken a less-than-proper turn. The two of them were looking to squash both the rumor and the person who started it._

#

The Riza Hawkeye lookalike contests are to cease immediately.

"_Now, that's just mean," Gracia pouted, much to her husband's amusement._

#

Unless you work in Investigations, you should have no need for a camera in the workplace.

"_Give it back, Roy."_

#

The office is no place for an alchemical duel.

_Fullmetal vs. Flame, Part II ended with Mustang's office in need of rebuilding, both alchemists involved in need of medical attention, and Mustang's men in need of therapy._

"_I didn't think furniture could explode like that..."_

#

Izumi Curtis is to be left alone.

_When Mrs. Curtis came to visit her two "most favorite apprentices," Colonel Mustang crossed her path. Nobody on base could say for sure what happened between the two of them, but the colonel twitched for a week afterward._

#

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye and Colonel Roy Mustang are not to be addressed as "Mom and Dad."

_Master Sergeant Furey and Lt. Breda pushed the family metaphor a little too far._

#

Non-alchemist personnel are not lab rats.

a. This means you, Colonel Mustang.

b. And you, Edward.

c. And you, Major Armstrong.

_Colonel Mustang had threatened to incinerate Lt. Col. Hughes over the phone, which led to a discussion between him and Ed over whether that kind of thing would actually be possible. It didn't help that Armstrong got involved and the three of them started mapping out the ethics of human experimentation in alchemy._

#

I don't care if you are Caledonian. If you're going to wear a kilt as part of your dress uniform, for the gods' sake, put some underwear on, dammit.

_The last formal occasion on base had been on a windy day. Lt. Hawkeye still couldn't look at Major Armstrong without blushing._

#

You are not allowed to establish an independant company on military-owned property.

_Edward and Alphonse had had a pretty good appliance repair business going until they got caught._

#

Broom closets are not to be used as make-out locations.

a. Even if she is your wife.

b. Maes.

_Edward was reported to have fled screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!"_

#

August 13, 1913 never happened.

_The principles involved were Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, and Maes Hughes. None of them would explain._

#

The parade ground during a close-order drill is no place for a game of tag.

_Half the squad participating in the drill ended up in a tangled pile on the ground, and the other half joined the Elric brothers' game._

#

If you encounter the serial killer known as Scar, do not ask him where he got his tattoos.

a. Or the scar on his face.

b. Or if he wants the address of a good plastic surgeon.

_Scar had not killed the corporal who asked, but did chase him for a good five blocks before he decided to let him live._

#

Unless you are the Flame Alchemist, you should have no need for ignition gloves.

"_Return them or you're charcoal, Maes."_

#

Alchemy and sleep deprivation do not mix. All State Alchemists are hereby required to get a full eight hours sleep before performing any major or minor transmutations.

a. Or before interacting with polite society.

b. This means you, Roy.

c. And you, too, Edward.

_Sleep-deprived alchemists tended be either punchy or downright mean. It took three weeks to repair the damage in the mess hall after Mustang's not-so-accidental comment about Edward's height._

_#_

To be continued...

_#_

A/N: Caledonia is a very old name for Scotland, and Armstrong is an old Scottish name. Hence the kilt and the traditional Scottish undergarments.

A/N2: Thanks to tinytokirabbit7 and iTorchic for their ideas. I really appreciated them.


	3. Chapter 3

At long last, the new chapter and the beginning of the prank war...among other things.

Sorry it took so long. I've been adding to the list and sort of lost track of time. Thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed in the meantime. Feedback is more than welcome.

Fullmetal Alchemist and the characters associated with it are still not mine, so please don't sue.

#

_Nobody dared to say anything to Maria Ross as she stalked down the corridors of Eastern Headquarters. Her uniform looked like it had been on fire at some point that day. She carried what was left of her shoes in one hand and a dented frying pan and a scrap of paper in the other, and death-glared at anyone who even looked like they might challenge her._

_She paused in the third floor break room long enough to tack the paper onto the bulletin board, then went to report to Lt. Colonel Hughes about her time babysitting the Elric brothers._

_The two of them spoke for about an hour before she left, considerably calmer than when she'd come in. When she was well away from the office, Sciezka was reported to have heard her boss laughing long and hard._

_Nobody knew why until they read what she wrote._

#

Never underestimate the combative capabilities of a woman with a cast-iron skillet.

_Lt. Ross was staying with Edward and Alphonse at the safehouse. Envy tried to sneak up on her while she was making dinner, and quickly came to regret it._

#

If the Elric brothers have nothing to keep them occupied, they are to be found something constructive to do.

_Two insanely intelligent teenage boys with nothing but time on their hands was a surefire recipie for disaster._

#

Black Hayate is not to be trained to "sic balls" when in range of Zolf Kimblee or Frank Archer.

a. Even if they do scare people.

_Colonel Mustang had issues left over from Ishbal other than genocide, apparently._

#

Do not wolf-whistle at the Strong Arm Alchemist while he is working alchemy.

a. Ladies, I'm surprised...and somewhat disappointed.

"_What does he have that I don't?" Mustang was heard to ask, about a month after the Kilt Incident._

"_For your own sake, sir," Hawkeye said, "I won't go into detail."_

#

Alchemy is not a disciplinary tool.

_A new recruit to the Alchemy Program had called Edward short. Edward transmuted the man's uniform into an evening gown in retaliation._

#

General Grumann is not to be addressed as "Grandpa."

a. Except for Hawkeye. She's related.

_Lt. Col. Hughes had been talking to Elysia at the time and took the family metaphor too far._

#

Colonel Roy Mustang is not to be used as homonculous bait.

_The homonculous known as Lust had been reported in the area. Roy Mustang ended up tied to a telephone pole in nothing but his boxers, with a sign that said, "Eat me" around his neck._

_Edward Elric was long gone by the time he managed to get free._

#

The serial killer known as Scar does not need a girlfriend.

a. Or a boyfriend.

b. Stop trying to fix him up.

_Someone in the lower ranks had gotten it into their heads that if Scar got laid he might stop his killng spree. The serial killer in question was less than enthusiastic about the attempted matchmaking._

_The doctors said the soldier would recover by the end of the year._

#

Unless you are willing to explain why you have an inflatable sheep to your own, dear mother, get rid of it.

_Lieutenant Havoc had nothing to say on the matter._

#

You are not allowed to taunt prisoners with baked goods.

_Hughes had been eatng a piece of his wife's apple pie while he'd been questioning a suspected murderer. The man broke down sobbing about halfway through, and swore to confess everything if only Hughes would give him some._

"_I always knew you were evil, Maes," Roy said._

"_And it took you this long to figure it out?"_

#

If a plan makes Major Elric giggle for more than fifteen seconds, it's probably not a good one.

_They were still finding bits of the building three months later._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is not related to the Flame Alchemist, and never has been.

_Three months after Fullmetal's kidnapping, people were still teasing him and Mustang about having been mistaken for father and son._

#

If you are ordered to report to the infirmary for a checkup and shots, you will do so without a fuss.

_It supposedly took all of Mustang's men working with Hughes's people to track Edward down and drag him into the doctor's office._

#

You are not allowed to take incriminating pictures of your fellow soldiers and co-workers.

a. Maes.

_The only reason Hughes didn't die was that he could run faster than Mustang or Hawkeye._

#

Not every usage of the word short is a reference to your height, Fullmetal. Get over yourself.

_Nobody was quite sure why Edward blew up - the word short, or Mustang's admonition. Either way, they could hear him yelling from one end of the base to the other._

#

Duels to the death are against regulations.

a. So are duels to the pain...whatever that means.

_The stolen gloves and camera had escalated to the level of a duel, with the chosen weapon being practical jokes at fifty paces._

#

If a mission goes wrong because of an incomplete briefing, it is not the fault of the officer involved.

_The things Colonel Mustang had neglected to warn Edward about had tried to blow him up, bring a building down on his head, blackmail him, and eat him before he figured out how to deal with the problem, and Mustang still gave him a hard time about it when he got back._

#

"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?" only works if you're the one wearing the glasses.

_Master Sergeant Cain Furey had not intended to get involved in the food fight, but ended up getting used as a human shield during the altercation._

#

Just because it's small and cute doesn't mean it's harmless.

_Considering that Colonel Mustang posted this, most people assumed it applied to the Fullmetal Alchemist. In actuality, someone had tried to grab Elysia, only to have her turn into an unholy terror right before their eyes._

"_She did exactly what we taught her," a very relieved Maes Hughes said when it was all over._

#

The Flame Alchemist is not a fire hazard.

"_Just wait unti I get my gloves back, Hughes," Roy growled._

#

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the prank war. Brains will be broken, vocabulary will be expanded, and someone will get laid. All in all, general mayhem will erupt.

Let me know what you think. Reviews and comments are always welcome. Flames will be referred to the appropriate alchemist.

Once again, the characters and situations associated with the Fullmetal Alchemist are not mine. After this, I'm not sure if I'd even want them...

#

_Caine Furey was not the one who actually posted it. He was too busy having a nice quiet lie-down in the relative safety of the reception area of the courts-martial office, under the watchful eyes of Private Scizeka and Winry Rockbell._

_When the others came looking for him, they found out for themselves just how formidable the young automail mechanic could be when she was protecting someone who she felt needed it._

"_You're not coming anywhere near him, you perverts," she shrieked, brandishing a very large wrench. "How could you possibly – ooh!" With that, she slammed the door in their faces._

"_What do you suppose that was about?" Havoc asked as he checked to make sure that his nose wasn't broken._

_Neither Breda nor Fallman could answer until they saw the new rule that had gone up in the last day or so._

#

Phone sex on official channels. No.

a. Just no.

_Nobody was willing to own up to it, and Furey was too twitchy to point any fingers._

#

Unless you work for building maintenance, there is no reason for you to need a 10-gallon galvanized steel bucket and a stepladder.

_Hughes ended up with a bucket of cold water on his head, Elysia learned a few words she should not have learned until she was a teenager and certainly not from her father, and Roy Mustang ended up running for his life._

#

The restless dead do not live under the parade ground.

a. Stop saying they do.

_Apparently nobody else was going to let Mustang and his men live down Warehouse 13, either._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is not a mascot. Stop treating him like he is.

"_Pull my hair one more time, and I'll transmute you into slime mold," Edward snarled after getting his braid pulled for the tenth time that day._

#

You are not indestructible. Stop saying you are.

_The last time Edward and Alphonse bragged about being indestructible, Edward's arm was shattered and Alphonse ended up with a hole in him big enough to drive a truck through_

#

If a plan makes Colonel Mustang giggle for more than fifteen seconds, change plans.

_All anyone knew was that it had to do with the incident on August 13._

#

Never say yes unless you know what the question was.

_Breda hadn't been listening when Mustang asked for a volunteer to stay with the Elric brothers during the last twenty-four hours of their protective custody. To say the boys were squirrley was putting it mildly._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist does not need a babysitter.

_Oddly enough, he stopped complaining once he got a look at her._

#

If you must play "Truth or Dare," limit the dares to things that will not get you or anyone else arrested.

_The sight of Vato Fallman running naked from one end of the base to the other was a treat for no one's eyes._

#

Official resources are not to be used for vetting a fellow officer's significant other.

_To be fair, though, they had been able to find out that the girl Mustang had been flirting with was a reporter for one of the nastier scandal rags in Central._

#

Sanity is not overrated.

"_Around here?" Maes Hughes was heard to comment. "Are you kidding?"_

#

You are not allowed to call in a full military strike against anyone because of a simple insult.

_Ed and the Xingese princess had been getting on each others' nerves all evening. When she called him a sawed-off loudmouth, that was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back._

#

Outdoor storage sheds are not to be used as make-out locations.

a. Alex, I'm surprised at you.

"_Lieutenant Hawkeye was right," a disturbingly smug Maria Ross reported._

#

The Elric brothers are not magnet fodder.

_It occurred to someone that the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother could easily be immobilized by someone with a big enough magnet and started referring to them as such._

#

If a plan makes Lt. Colonel Hughes giggle for more than fifteen seconds, run.

_According to rumor, he was one of the co-conspirators behind the incident on August 13._

#

Do not bite your superior officers.

a. You have no way of knowing where they've been.

_Two days later, Colonel Mustang still had Edward's teeth marks on his shin._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is not a means for revenge.

_After Havoc finished off the bottle of very good whiskey Mustang kept in his desk, the colonel told Edward that Havoc had called him short, and pointed the boy in his direction. _

#

Colonel Mustang is not a cigarette lighter, a flame-thrower, or a campfire. Please do not treat him as such.

"_Thank you, Riza."_

"_Don't mention it, sir."_

#

Do not enrage the Elric brothers, for they are quick to anger and will take revenge.

_The boys had gotten word that Lt. Hawkeye's dog sitter had been neglecting Black Hayate. Edward and Alphonse took over looking after the dog, and it took two hours to cut the man out of the alchemically-induced mess that had once been an overstuffed easy chair._

#

Stop breaking Sergeant Furey's brain. Don't you know we're going to need him?

_When Furey came into the office and found the car where the desks usually were, he turned around, went back to his dorm room, and hid under the bed for the rest of the day._

#

To be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

And so, the prank war continues, and poor little Edward is getting the worst of it.

I've gotten a lot of comments from people wanting to know what happened on August 13, so I think the time has come to address it. The truth is, I really don't know. All I can say for absolutely certain is that it was nobody's proudest moment. As for the particulars, I'm more than tempted to let it remain a mystery, like the Noodle Incident in Calvin and Hobbes, where they only hinted at what happened.

As always, the characters and situations associated with Fullmetal Alchemist are not mine. They belong to Hiromu Arakawa and the people involved in the production of the show and manga.

Thank you for reading, and keep the reviews coming in. I thrive on them.

#

_Alphonse was reasonably sure that nothing had been wrong with his big brother when they got back to the Eastern Headquarters._

_Edward had stopped to get a shower before he went to give his report to Colonel Mustang, and went in what Alphonse thought was the wrong locker room. He could have sworn the men's room was on the other side of the hallway._

_He was in there for the span of about ten seconds before he heard half a dozen shrieks – one of which was Lt. Hawkeye, if he was hearing right – and Edward emerged, his face white as a sheet and a trickle of blood coming from his nose._

"_Brother, are you okay?" he asked._

"_I dunno, Al..." he said. "I think I just saw the Truth again..."_

"_But are you all right, Brother?" Alphonse said._

"_Yeah, sure, I'll be fine," Edward said, and walked into the door._

#

Do not switch the signs on the mens' and womens' locker rooms.

_Edward Elric went into the wrong locker room and saw a lot more than he'd bargained for. He spent the rest of the day wandering around in a daze and occasionally walking into furniture._

#

Unless you work for building maintenance, there should be no reason for you to have duct tape.

_In a case of grossly mistaken identity, the Fullmetal Alchemist got duct-taped to the ceiling of Mustang's office by person or persons unknown._

_If it hadn't been for the boy's cries for help, no one would have found him._

#

Practical jokes are hereby banned from the library premesis.

_The chaos when the goat got in the building resulted in three bookcases getting knocked over, a fourth one spontaneously combusting, and the Flame Alchemist losing his library privileges for a month._

#

You are not the Fuhrer of anything.

"_Yet," Colonel Mustang said._

#

You are not allowed to attempt to teach the State Alchemists tricks.

a. Do you _want_ them to kill you?

_One of Frank Archer's men had tried teaching Edward Elric to sit up and beg. Three days later, he was still in hiding._

#

Whoever taught Elysia Hughes how to play Blackjack, start running.

_By the time her father realized what was going on, Elysia had managed to win most of Havoc's paycheck for the month. Maes wasn't sure whether to be proud or horrified, but settled for being pissed._

#

Any and all snipe hunts on the training grounds are to cease immediately.

_Havoc and Breda had thought it was funny to lead a group of new recruits on such a "hunt," leaving the recruits literally holding the bag and a big stick while they went for drinks. Neither Mustang, nor the new recruits were amused._

#

When someone brings in donuts, leave the jelly-filled ones alone.

_The only clue anyone had was that it was typewritten on the stationery from Lt. Colonel Hughes's office._

#

Unless you have been trained in the use of a specific firearm, do not carry that firearm.

_There had been a minor disaster involving Edward Elric, Riza Hawkeye, and a sniper rifle the boy didn't know how to use. Fortunately, no one was harmed._

#

Until you have actually seen the corpse firsthand and are absolutely sure that the corpse has no ideas about turning up alive later, do not assume that the person/animal/chimera/homonculous is actually dead.

_Envy had recovered from Lt. Ross having bashed his head in and came looking for a rematch. This time, she smashed him flat when he found her learning how to drive a tank and got in her way._

#

The Piano Incident is not to be mentioned. Ever.

_Neither Colonel Mustang, Lt. Colonel Hughes, nor Mrs. Hughes were willing to explain._

#

The Flame Alchemist is no longer to be addressed as Sparky.

_Edward Elric picked it up after he heard Lt. Colonel Hughes refer to Colonel Mustang by what was apparently a college nickname. It spread from there._

#

For the third time, you deviants, stop perverting the language!

_Havoc and Breda were the guilty parties this time. The word in question was 'pancake.' Mustang hadn't thought anything could embarrass him anymore. He was wrong._

#

Big dogs and the Fullmetal Alchemist do not mix.

_It was discovered not too long after Edward became a State Alchemist that big dogs tended to pounce on him every chance they got._

#

There is no such thing as fireworks practice.

a. Especially in the office. (Inspired by iTorchic)

_Colonel Mustang had volunteered to do the fireworks display for the Founders' Day celebration, and nearly burned down the office while demonstrating what he had in mind._

#

If you are injured you are to report to the infirmary immediately for medical treatment.

a. Dammit, Edward, I thought you knew better.

_Edward had been hurt worse than he had said while he was helping to stop a riot, and collapsed while giving Colonel Mustang his report on the incident. One trip to the emergency room later, both Colonel Mustang and Lt. Colonel Hughes yelled at him for his recklessness._

#

A coerced confession is not admissable in court. Stop hanging prisoners out the window by the ankles.

a. Even if you are on the first floor.

b. Alphonse, I'm disappointed in you.

"_He was going to hurt Brother," Alphonse said._

"_And he called me short," Edward added._

#

Permission to beat the crap out of somebody will never be granted.

_General Hakuro posted this after witnessing an arguement between Flame and Fullmetal, during which Fullmetal made that very request._

#

Atheism is not a religion.

_This went up after Ed got into a shouting match with an entire monastary._

#

Proselytizing is not allowed on government time.

_Mustang posted this after Ed told him what he said to make three dozen monks simultaneously break a decades-long vow of silence._

#

To be continued...

#

A/N 2: The Piano Incident will be addressed, in the revised and updated version of _Three of a Kind._ I am writing a draft as we speak.


	6. Chapter 6

Okay, sorry I'm late with this. I've had Christmas and two birthdays (mine and my brother's) to deal with, plus things have been heating up at work, so real life has had to take a front seat for a time.

As always, these folks aren't mine, and I'm not sure I'd want them even if they were. I always welcome your reviews, but flames will be used to cook my lunch.

So, with no further ado, I bring you the latest chapter in the ongoing saga of the prank war. Once again, brains are broken, rules are broken, alchemists are misused, and the fate Hughes's camera becomes known.

#

_Lust had been wandering the halls of Eastern HQ for about an hour now, and had found her way to the third floor break room. Envy had mentioned the List while he was recovering from his run-in with the Ross woman and the tank. She got halfway through it and giggled when she saw that both his encounters with her had made it. She made a note to tease him about it later._

_She was on her way out when a soldier with glasses and a scowl on his face stomped into the room with a piece of paper in one hand and a spade-shaped throwing dagger in the other. He stopped long enough to affix the paper to the bulletin board with the dagger and stomp out._

_After he left, she went back and read the new addition._

"_Well," she said with a smile, "this may bear watching, for entertainment, if nothing else."_

#

If you are going to take the last cup of coffe in the pot, do not forget to brew more.

_The best theory that anyone could come up with was that the courts martial office ran on caffiene and sugar._

#

Tag is now banned on base.

"_She's just not happy because she was never it," Sciezka pouted._

#

Do not antagonize the alchemists.

a. Especially if they haven't had enough sleep.

b. Especially if they're antagonized to begin with.

_Danny Brosch had made the mistake of trying to interrupt Major Elric and Colonel Mustang during an arguement. Both alchemists turned on him, chased him up a tree and threatened to burn it down while he was still in it._

"_Sir..."_

"_We said we were sorry..."_

#

Snares in the hallway. Don't even think about it.

_Neither side would admit to putting it there, especially after it caught Lt. Hawkeye. Warning shots were fired, and both sides laid low for a week._

#

The kitty-cat whiskers are not to be mentioned. Ever.

_This went up after one of Colonel Mustang's numerous attempts to look older. Supposedly Lt. Hawkeye was still snickering over that one._

#

Neither is the handlebar mustache.

_Another attempt by Mustang to look older, but this one went horribly wrong._

#

Lt. Havoc is no longer allowed to drive.

_Lt. Breda still hadn't recovered from the last time he'd been in a car while Havoc was behind the wheel._

#

Stop stealing peoples' identities. It's bad for your health and everybody else's.

_A jealous boyfriend came looking to do some serious physical damage to Roy Mustang, only to have the colonel deny that that was his name. By the time the whole charade was over, the only ones answering to their right names were Lieutenants Hawkeye and Ross and the highly confused Elric brothers, and Maes Hughes was in the hospital with a broken arm._

#

The cheese is not now, nor has it ever been, king.

"_Okay, that was...random," Edward said._

#

You are not to lock Colonel Mustang and Major Elric in a closet together and take bets on what happens.

_Alphonse Elric won the betting pool: Roy Mustang and Edward Elric alive and intact, Caine Furey and Heymans Breda with second-degree burns._

#

There is no limit as to how weird things can get.

"_That," Maes Hughes said with a snicker, "I can believe."_

#

Pants are not optional.

a. Especially if you plan to mingle in polite society.

"_I tried to tell you, Brother..."_

#

The Flame Alchemist is to be kept away from codeine-based cough medicine.

_Though it was amusing to see him having a serious discussion about aphids with the roses outside his window, it was also more than a little creepy. Fortunately, Lt. Colonel Hughes and Lt. Hawkeye managed to get him home so he could sleep it off._

#

Breda's chili is not a weapon. Stop saying it is.

"_Are you kidding?" Furey said. "That stuff ate a hole in my desk."_

#

Water and cameras do not mix.

_Lt. Colonel Hughes got his camera back. It had been soaking in water for at least a week, and both it and the film in it were utterly ruined._

"_Make no mistake," Maes Hughes said, "Roy Mustang will pay."_

#

If your children have the chicken pox, stay home.

_General Hakuro's granddaughter had been staying with him when she caught it from one of the neighborhood children and he had, unknowingly, carried it in to work with him. Edward had spent a miserable, itchy two weeks plotting revenge for himself and Elysia._

#

You are not allowed to take yourself hostage.

_Havoc had swung by the local tobacco shop to stock up on cigarettes just in time for the place to be robbed. The thieves let him go after he held himself at gunpoint and threatened to blow his brains out if they didn't release him._

_When Colonel Mustang found out, he was laughing too hard to say anything, but the note went up a few hours later._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is not to be used as bait for the opposite sex.

"_Get your own girls, you pervert."_

#

You are not allowed to add strawberry or cherry flavored gelatin to water, describe it as Red Water, and then drink it.

_Roy Mustang had come as close as he ever prayed he would to having an honest-to-gods heart attack that day._

#

If the toaster oven is not functioning, the Flame Alchemist is not an acceptable substitute.

_Colonel Mustang had been asked to toast a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich; a tuna melt, and a grilled cheese sandwich before he got fed up._

#

A/N: Yes, the soldier Lust encountered was Lt. Colonel Hughes.


	7. Chapter 7

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next chapter of the tale...sort of. Ed and Furey manage to get some of their own back as the prank war expands, and intervention is called for.

Once again (and I'm starting to get bored repeating myself) these characters aren't mine.

Sorry I'm not too chatty right now. I saved it all for my author's notes at the end.

This section is rated T for the presence of our special guest star, who is also not mine.

#

_It was a wonder that Havoc hadn't been caught before. If Colonel Mustang hadn't forgotten to order flowers for the funeral, nobody would have know any different._

"_Who died?" Furey asked._

"_Lt. Havoc's grandmother," said. "She passed on a couple of days ago, and he had to go to the funeral."_

"_That's weird," Breda said. "I just talked to her this morning. She said she was doing fine."_

"_Really..." Colonel Mustang's eyes narrowed at that. "In that case I'll have to call and congratulate her on her miraculous recovery."_

_Furey gulped at that. He had the feeling that, one way or another, Havoc was going to regret this._

#

You only have two grandmothers at most, and they can only die once.

_This went up after Havoc requested a day off for his grandmother's funeral three times in as many months._

#

There is no such thing as a clue hammer.

a. Even if there was, you are not allowed to use it on a superior officer.

_This went up after Ed's bizarre explanation for why he was stalking Mustang with a very large mallet in his hands._

#

Keep your paranoia to yourself.

_Corporal Andrews had shut himself up in the supply closet, screaming, "You'll never take me alive," when Havoc went to get some paper. An hour and a half and one picked lock later, the corporal was resting quietly in the psychiatric ward of the nearby military hospital._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is no longer allowed to compose or sing drinking songs.

_It was one of the filthiest songs Roy Mustang had ever heard, but the song about the one-armed alchemist and the girl with the chainsaw was tremendously popular in the local pubs. He was surprised to find out that the one who wrote it was Edward Elric._

#

Do not mock other people's illnesses.

_Colonel Mustang had dropped by to tease Edward while the boy was sick with the chicken pox. Two weeks later, the colonel was also itchy and miserable._

#

Recruitment Day is not an excuse to form a press gang.

_Frank Archer had been making comments about recruiting people at gunpoint, and Major Armstrong posted this in response._

#

Staplers are to be used only on paper.

_It took an hour to pry the staples out of Breda's jacket so that he could get up and away from his desk. Furey had apparently found out he had a hand in the phone sex incident._

#

Unless you are absolutely sure the lady is single, please refrain from trying to pick her up.

_Roy Mustang didn't think anything of it when Captain Harkness ran past him and Fullmetal. He quickly changed his mind when Maes Hughes ran past with a knife in each hand, obviously chasing the captain, and yelling, "Stay the hell away from my wife!"_

#

State Alchemists do not taste like chicken.

"_Oh? And just how would you know that, Riza?" Roy asked._

"_Don't make me have to shoot you, sir."_

#

It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission no longer applies to the Fullmetal Alchemist.

_Colonel Mustang never did get a straight answer as to why an entire town wanted to burn Edward at the stake._

#

Enlisted men are not to be misappropriated and set to doing your yardwork.

a. Hughes, I'm surprised at you.

"_I was working overtime on a case, and Gracia was exhausted," Maes said. "What else was I supposed to do?"_

#

You are not allowed to seranade a co-worker on government time.

_It started with Danny Brosch singing to himself as he worked, and ended with him down on one knee, singing to Maria Ross at the top of his lungs while the rest of the office looked on in bemusement and/or horror._

#

Paracelsus is no one's personal savior.

_A religious cult that had built up around the seventeenth-century alchemist had massively pissed Edward Elric off for reasons nobody but his brother understood, but was unwilling to explain. A priest that had tried to recruit the Elric brothers suffered a black eye and a sprained wrist by the time Edward was done with him._

#

You are not allowed to lock Colonel Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye in a closet and take bets on what happens.

_Lt. Hawkeye shot the lock and she and the colonel tried to go after the culprit who locked them in. Coincidentally, Lt. Colonel Hughes decided right around that same time to cash in on some long-overdue leave and took his family on vacation to the other side of the country._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is not to be taught how to curse in foreign languages.

a. Even if it is funny.

_Fallman had taught Edward most of the obscenities in at least two Xingese dialects before Lt. Hawkeye caught them._

#

The following betting pools are now closed: whether Col. Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye will hook up, the date of their engagement, the wedding date; and the time and date of birth, and gender of their firstborn child.

"_For god's sake, we are not sleeping together," Hawkeye said._

"_That's not what you were moaning last night," the colonel leered._

"_Don't encourage them, sir."_

#

If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

_Everything about the new lead seemed to indicate it was a real Philosopher's Stone, and the Elrics eagerly went to check it out. When they returned unsuccessful, Roy Mustang was treated to the unsettling sight of having Edward deposit his report on the desk, and then burst into tears._

#

You are not a pirate on the high seas of geekdom. Stop saying you are. (Inspired by Sonny Strait, of all people...)

_In his defense, Maes Hughes had been exhausted to the point of collapse and punch-drunk as all hell when he said it. Fortunately, Gracia was called and she took him home to sleep it off._

#

Will the people who keep breaking my brother's brain please stop. He can't take much more of this. (Posted by Alphonse Elric)

_Ed was starting to get twitchy every time he had to come anywhere near the base._

#

You are no longer allowed to stalk Colonel Mustang.

_The colonel's fans amongst the female junior officers had gotten a bit too enthusiastic for anyone's liking._

#

To be continued...

#

Okay...several author's notes this time.

First of all, if anyone recognizes it, the song about the one-armed alchemist and the girl with the chainsaw turned up in the _Fifty Sentences_ set I wrote dealing with Maes and Gracia Hughes in 1923 Munich. Before you ask, no, I'm not going to write it, because I can't write lyrics, and I think this one is definitely best left to the imagination. If you want to have a go at it, though, feel free. Just make sure to send me a copy.

Secondly, yes, it is Captain Jack Harkness. For those who've never seen _Dr. Who_ or _Torchwood_, Jack Harkness is an immortal, a former con artist, and a shameless flirt. If the person - male or female - is attractive he will make a pass at them. His presence alone is enough to warrant a PG or PG-13 rating. I haven't seen _Torchwood, _myself, but I get the impression that Jack settled down somewhat after he took up the defense of the Earth.

Third, Paracelsus was a seventeenth century alchemist and what we'd probably call today a holistic physician. He was also known as Phillipus Theophrastus Aurelius Bombastus Von Hohenheim. Is it any wonder Ed blew a gasket?

Finally, Sonny Strait, for those of you who've never paid attention, was the voice of Maes Hughes in the English dub of FMA. He is also, apparently, a writer and director for more than a few anime series, and a writer and illustrator for _Elfquest_. He published a comic fantasy graphic novel called _We Shadows _a couple of years ago, and in the About the Author section, he's described as a pirate on the high seas of geekdom.


	8. Chapter 8

Okay time for a little self-promotion. I now have a blog. The site's listed on my profile, but if you don't get over there that often, the URL is http: // fruit-bat -2010. livejournal. com. (Just take out the spaces.) So far I only have one entry up, but I'm planning to start reposting some of my fics, including this one, and posting the fragments of things that might or might not get developed into stories. I hope to see you there.

Once agan, I own neither the characters and situations associated with Fullmetal Alchemist, nor do I own Jack Harkness. You think he'd be wearing anything if I did?

#

_Looking back on it, Maes Hughes really should have seen it coming. The main influences in Elysia's life other than him and her mother were her Uncle Roy, her Big Brother Alphonse, and her Little Big Brother Edward, and they were alchemists._

_It only made sense what Elysia said to him one day. "Daddy, I want to be like Big Brother."_

"_Oh?" he said, boosting her up to his lap. "You want to travel a lot when you grow up?"_

_She shook her head. "I wanna - " She clapped her hands together. "BOOM!"_

"_...you want to blow things up?" He was having visions of his daughter as a demolitions expert, and not liking it one bit._

_Her little face screwed up in a scowl. "No!" she said. "I wanna do what Big Brother and Little Big Brother do. With the circles."_

"_...alchemy..." he said._

"_You think I can?" she asked._

Only over my dead body... _he thought in passing. "Why do you want to be an...?"_

"_Achlemist," she said proudly, and told him._

_Less than five minutes later, the new rule went up._

#

The purpose of alchemy is not to make things go boom.

"_But that's not what Uncle Roy said," Elysia protested._

_Maes gritted his teeth. "Uncle Roy doesn't know what he's talking about, sweetheart."_

#

You are not allowed to sell a fellow officer into slavery.

a. Especially to another officer.

b. Slavery has been illegal in Amestris for two hundred years.

_Caine Furey had lost a bet and, since he didn't have any money, Havoc had decided Furey could be his personal slave for the next two weeks instead._

#

I am your commanding officer. Yes, I can make you.

_Colonel Mustang and Major Elric were apparently fighting again._

#

You are not allowed to write new verses to the song about the one-armed alchemist and the girl with the chainsaw.

"_Just because Edward already has a dirty mind is no reason to encourage him," Lt. Hawkeye said._

#

Do not take an alchemist's chalk away from him.

a. They tend to get mean when you do that.

_Colonel Archer had forgotten that the Edward Elric didn't need transmutation circles and had no qualms against taking vengeance when someone went after his brother. It took three hours to unsnarl him from the abstract sculpture that had once been his car._

#

Unless it specifically states otherwise, official functions do not have a 'Bring Your Own Bottle' policy. (Inspired by Rishqva)

_Roy Mustang and Maes Hughes had called a truce for the night, and took it upon themselves to spike the punch. Colonel Mustang transmuted the sugars in the punch to alcohol, and Lt. Colonel Hughes added a bottle of 151-proof rum to it. The party was an unqualified success, but the basewide hangover made work impossible for the next two days._

#

You are NEVER to lock the Fullmetal Alchemist in a closet with his automail mechanic.

a. We already know what happens when you do that.

_Locking two hormonally charged teenagers in a broom closet with the implicit approval of their elders for anything that might happen was, in theory, a recipie for disaster._

_Colonel Mustang ended up with a concussion after the two of them caught him._

#

Do not mention miniskirts around Elysia Hughes.

a. Do you _want_ the Lieutenant Colonel to go into overprotective father mode?

b. He's scary enough under normal circumstances.

"_Daddy, what's a miniskirt?"_

"_Nothing you'll ever have to worry about, Elysia."_

#

The men of Colonel Roy Mustang's unit are not Lt. Hawkeye's harem.

_It suddenly occurred to somebody that Lt. Hawkeye was the only woman in an all-male group, and almost as suddenly they came to the wrong conclusion about her relationship with them._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist does not need an exorcist.

"_I dunno about that," Havoc said. "Have you ever seen that kid first thing in the morning?"_

#

Unless you are sure the gentleman is single, please refrain from trying to pick him up.

_Nobody knew quite what Gracia Hughes said to Captain Harkness after her husband stopped chasing him, but the gentleman in question had a bad case of the shakes for two days afterward._

#

You are not allowed to blackmail a fellow officer.

_Hughes was threatening to distribute copies of pictures from the last time Roy babysat for Elysia as revenge for the destruction of his camera. _

"_I'm glad I got those pictures developed before someone - " He glared at Mustang, who cheerfully ignored him. " - destroyed my camera."_

#

Put it back. Now.

a. You know what I mean.

_Edward didn't until he walked into Mustang's office and found all of the colonel's office furniture and everything on it on the ceiling. He blinked, shook his head, left his report with Lt. Hawkeye, and put in for a vacation. _

"_I think I've been working too hard," he said._

#

You are not allowed to dye a colleague's hair without their permission.

_Furey had been putting in some overtime cleaning and tweaking the inner workings of the office's radio set and had fallen asleep while he'd been working. When he woke up, a very drunk Havoc and Breda were asleep on the floor, and his hair was green._

#

There is no such thing as "Fun With Seafood" week.

_When Lt. Hawkeye came in from the obstacle course to find what appeared to be an eight-legged hellbeast on a hanger in the women's shower, her shriek could be heard from one end of the base to the other._

#

If a child is present, watch your language. (Posted by Gracia Hughes)

_In the time she had spent on base with her father, Elysia's vocabulary had expanded in directions her mother did not approve of._

#

The song about the Ishbalan with the magic hands has been banned from base.

_The song was nominally about Scar, but nobody was willing to get close enough to ask._

#

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," is never a good excuse.

_Colonel Mustang hadn't been sure whether to laugh at or kill Major Elric when he found out how the active volcano suddenly appeared in the farmers' market._

#

You cannot have a flashback to a war you never fought in.

_Corporal Andrews ended up back in the psychiatric ward after he started freaking out over a massacre he'd supposedly taken part in during the Cameron Civil War in 1661._

#

You are not allowed to make Lt. Hawkeye cry. (Posted by a furious Edward Elric)

"_If I asked what happened, would I regret it?" Maes asked as he surveyed the wreckage of both his best friend and his best friend's office._

#

To be continued...

#

A/N: So, what do you think? Did Elysia grow up to be an alchemist, or not?


	9. Chapter 9

Okay. I know it's been a while since I last posted, but March is just...not a good month for me. Too many bad emotional connotations. I haven't quite been wallowing in angst, but I haven't exactly been focusing on my writing, either.

As always, we have alchemists – and pretty much everyone else - behaving badly, and, as an old friend once said, mayhem ensues.

Fullmetal Alchemist still isn't mine, unfortunately. I'd be way richer if it were.

Any and all flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist, and all reviews are welcome.

#

_If Danny had thought about it, he would have known that something was up. Really._

_Over the past few months he and Maria had been taking turns bringing in treats on Fridays. It had begun when she tried the peanut butter cookie from Shou Tucker's "cookbook" and brought the results in for him to try, and had spiraled from there when he'd brought in chocolate chip cookies the next week._

_The past few Fridays, though, she'd been bringing in fruit and vegetable plates, rather than the usual pastries or brownies._

_That alone should have been a signal._

_Today, though, he'd bought in fudge from the bakery in town, and was already working on his share when she came in._

"_You bastard," she said when she saw him. "After all this time, I thought you'd understand."_

_He swallowed the bite of fudge, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Understand what?"_

_She explained it to him. Then she told him in graphic detail what she would do to him if he brought sweets in again for the next six months._

_Next Friday, he brought in a nice selection of fresh fruit and bran muffins._

#

If a fellow officer is on a diet, do not taunt her with chocolate.

_In his defense, Danny Brosch hadn't known that Maria Ross was trying to lose five pounds the day he came in with the bag of fudge._

#

You do not have the authority to negotiate treaties between nations.

"_It'd put an end to the fighting a lot faster if we could," Sgt. Furey was heard to complain._

#

The cult surrounding the Elric brothers is to disperse immediately.

_The Paracelsus cult had discovered that the sons of Hohenheim were on base, were treating them with the reverence usually due to gods, and generally getting in the boys' way._

#

Strip poker has been banned from all military property except for personal quarters.

a. What you do on your own time is your own business.

_Maria Ross had come to drop some papers off to Colonel Mustang's office, only to find him and his men sitting around the table in their underwear, and apparently playing a high-stakes game of poker._

#

"Because I was drunk" is never a good reason.

_It was the only explanation Mustang and his men had for why they had appropriated Edward Elric's spare arm, half a dozen broken typewriters, twenty pounds of foul-smelling Xerxian cheese, Black Hayate, and five rolls of butcher's paper._

#

Unless you are a patient or a mechanic, you should have no reason to need automail.

_As it turned out, Edward didn't have a spare arm._

#

Participants in the prank war are not eligible for combat pay.

_The ladies in payroll posted this after they stopped laughing, much to the dismay of Havoc and Breda._

#

If your intention is to piss off the Flame Alchemist, please bear in mind that you and your uniform are both flammable.

_The lieutenant was built like a linebacker, and had the attitude to go along with it. His attempt to intimidate Colonel Mustang ended with a formal reprimand in his file and second degree burns all over his body._

#

You are not a ninja. Stop saying you are.

"_What does that have to do with anything?" Furey asked when he read it._

#

You are not allowed to ask Scar about the accuracy of the song.

_One of Scar's fangirls approached him to find out for herself, only to have him blow up most of a wall and very nearly her brain trying to escape._

#

Unless you are sure the lady is of equal or lesser rank, please refrain from trying to pick her up.

a. It's against regulations anyway.

_Master Sergeant Caine Furey had unknowingly made a pass at Major General Olivia Armstrong when she'd come to visit her brother. Nobody was entirely sure they wanted to know what happened between the two of them, but Furey grinned for two days straight afterwards._

#

There is no such thing as a high velocity ambush squid.

_It was only Ed, a very small octopus, and a slingshot._

#

Pie does not equal ammunition.

_There had been plenty of pies and plenty of hostility, and the legends that came out of that particular food fight were still being told a century later._

#

Colonel Roy Mustang is not Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye's love slave.

a. Even if he wants to be.

"_For the last time, we are not sleeping together!" Hawkeye shrieked._

#

You are not allowed to sunbathe nude on the parade ground.

"_Mama, why isn't Mr. Armstrong wearing any clothes?"_

"_...um...."_

"_Mama, why is your face turning red?"_

#

Any transmutation of vehicles is to be performed outside. (Inspired by dragondiamond9)

_Lt. Colonel Hughes was more than ready to murder his best friend when he found the abstract sculpture that used to be his new car in the middle of his office._

#

If you insist upon transmutating a vehicle, it had better be yours.

_It took both Elric brothers, Private Sciezka, Major Armstrong, and Sergeant Brosch to separate Hughes and Mustang in the ensuing fight._

#

The game of Assassin has been banned from base.

_This happened after Colonel Mustang got taken down by Riza Hawkeye with a water gun._

"_With all due respect, sir," she said later, "the only person authorized to assassinate you is me, which is why I took the assignment. Would you rather that Ms. Rockbell have done it?"_

_"..."_

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist cannot be arrested for being rude.

"_As tempting though it may be..." Colonel Mustang said._

#

There is a fine line between healthy fear and paranoia.

_Breda had become convinced that Black Hayate was planning something and had taken to hiding on top of the filing cabinet again._

#

Bets on who started the fight?


	10. Interlude

Okay. This is stepping a little outside the range of the rules and regs, but now seems as good a time as any to step back and see what else is on the bulletin board other than the long list rules that's piling up. These will range from the mundane to the silly, and most of them will have to do with something on the list.

Fullmetal Alchemist still doesn't belong to me, but I do own most of the manga and the whole first series.

Reviews are always welcome, and flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist.

So without futher ado, I give you...

#

FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD

#

Free to good home:

Calico kitten with blue eyes

Female, not spayed

Contact Alphonse Elric for details

#

Winners of the Roy Mustang Lookalike Contest:

1st Place: Alphonse Elric

2nd Place: Maes Hughes

3rd Place: Caine Furey

Report to the Investigations office for your prizes.

Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to everyone who participated.

#

For Sale or Trade:

White cotton gloves w/fire array embroidered on backs

Please contact Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes if interested

#

Lt. Colonel Hughes -

Contact the Mrs. Lt. Colonel at home re: grocery list.

Do NOT bring home chocolate. Elysia is already hyper.

#

For Sale:

Camera with film. Good condition

400 sens or best offer.

Contact Roy Mustang for details.

#

BUTTON: I am a State Alchemist. If you see me running, try to keep up.

#

The cheese is king. Long live the cheese!

#

BUTTON: Alchemists do it in circles.

#

ADVERTISING FLYER:

Toaster won't toast?

Lamp won't light?

Bring your broken appliances to the Elric Brothers' Repair Shop. Dormitory Three, Room 21

Alchemical Repairs

Reasonable rates.

#

Prank war tally:

Roy Mustang: 2

Maes Hughes: 2

Keep the bets coming, folks.

--Vato Fallman

#

NOTICE: Roy Mustang has officially been banned from the library for the next month for crimes against literature.

#

Elric Brothers Guard schedule:

Saturday and Sunday: Vato Fallman

Monday to Wednesday: Maria Ross

Thursday and Friday: Heymans Breda

(Handwritten note: This is the last week, folks. Good job! - Hughes)

#

FREE TO GOOD HOME:

Army dog, age approximately 30

Black hair, brown eyes, answers to the name Roy.

Contact Edward Elric for information.

#

Prank War Tally:

Roy Mustang: 4

Maes Hughes: 5

All bets will be honored.

Contact Vato Fallman for specific odds.

#

LOST: One life-sized inflatable sheep. Answers to the name Nellie. Contact Jean Havoc if you have any information.

#

TRAINING SCHEDULE:

The new recruits in Squadron Alpha are to report to Lieutenants Jean Havoc and Heymans Breda for the snipe hunt at 1900 hours tomorrow.

#

WEAPONS DEMO AND TRAINING TO TAKE PLACE ON THE FIRING RANGE AT 1600 HOURS

Contact Lt. Riza Hawkeye for further information.

#

PRINTED ON A LARGE RECTANGULAR STICKER: Save a jeep, ride a captain.

ACCOMPANYING NUMBER: 555-5225

#

Would the owner of the blue police box please report to the motor pool and retrieve their property? It's causing a bottleneck. Thank you.

#

FOUND: One large torque wrench engraved with the initials W.R. Contact Juliet Douglas to claim it.

#

COME ONE, COME ALL

Founders Day Celebration

October 16, 1913

Food and Live Music

Fireworks by the Flame Alchemist

#

1/2 a flyer:

DON'T LET THE DISASTER TWINS STRIKE AGAIN!

END THE PRANK WAR NOW!

CALL...

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Posted under a photograph of Von Hohenheim:

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Last seen in Resembool in 1904

If you have any information regarding this man's whereabouts, please contact the Elric Brothers.

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Roy -

I have a collection of photographs of a potentially embarrassing nature to you in my possession. Unless you return my camera, I will make them available to the general population. Call me with your decision.

- Maes

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BUTTON: Alchemists make better lovers.

ACCOMPANYING NOTE: You wish.

#


	11. Chapter 10

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the end of the prank war. Sad to say, it had to come eventually. Don't worry, though. There's also gratuitous fanservice, a new war between Edward and Colonel Mustang, the return of Captain Jack Harkness, and a few hints about the incident on August 13. I hope you like it.

As always, _Fullmetal Alchemist_ and its characters are not mine. Arakawa-san will get them back only slightly worse for wear, but otherwise unharmed.

Reviews and comments are always welcome, and flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist.

#

_Riza Hawkeye's grandfather had had a still when she was a little girl, and she had gone with him to check it more than once when she was visiting. She hadn't known what it was at the time, but as she got older, she'd learned what it was he was making, and she did know what moonshine smelled like._

_So, she didn't expect to come back from her lunch break to find the office smelling like the stuff, and the men she worked with three sheets to the wind._

"_I said, sit down, Fullmetal," the colonel said in his office. "No, wait, I might not be able to see you if you did."_

_Havoc, Breda, Fallman, and Fuery took a drink._

"_WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE COULDN'T BE SEEN WITH A MICROSCOPE?!" Edward roared._

_The four of them took another drink._

"_I never said that, Fullmetal," he said. "You're simply selling yourself short, is all I'm saying. There's no need for you to belittle yourself."_

"_I AM NOT SHORT!"_

_The four of them chugged their respective drinks, and Fuery fell on the floor, barely conscious and muttering the lyrics to the song about the one-armed alchemist and the girl with the chainsaw._

_Instead of opening fire, she put her little fingers in her mouth and let out an ear-piercing whistle that caught the attention of all of them except Fuery, who was still singing a verse of That Song that she had never heard before. _

"_Uh...hi, Lieutenant," Havoc said, looking everywhere except at her. _

"_You have ten seconds to tell me what's going on," she said._

_They did. Two minutes later, there was a new rule on the board._

#

Drinking games while on duty. No.

"_Edward and the colonel arguing is no excuse for you to get drunk," Lt. Hawkeye said. "Do you understand?"_

#

Elysia Hughes is not to be taught alchemy without her parents' permission.

_Edward and Alphonse had started teaching her the basics of alchemy the last time they got roped into babysitting. A week later, her mother found her drawing a transmutation circle on the wall of her bedroom._

#

Handcuffs are not to be used for recreational purposes.

"_Forget to turn in your cuffs just once on a Friday, and you're immediately labled a bondage queen," Maria Ross complained. "It's just not fair."_

#

You are not allowed to go to your "happy place" on government time.

_It took fifteen minutes to snap Danny Brosch out of it after he heard Maria's comment._

#

We do not need to know what your happy place looks like.

_For Danny, apparently, it involved Maria Ross in black leather and spike heel boots._

#

When plotting a rescue, make sure you do not end up in the position of needing a rescue yourself.

_Stories about Edward's role the incident on August 13 were starting to creep out, and nobody was letting him live it down._

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You are no longer allowed to steal towels from the womens' locker room if there are none in the mens'.

_When Lt. Hawkeye walked into the mens' locker room wearing nothing but a bra and panties to get a clean towel out of their linen closet, never before had so many men dove for cover so very quickly._

#

You are not allowed to steal towels from the women's locker room for the sake of orchestrating a "free show."

_When the ladies heard about this, the ensuing boxer raid was swift, merciless, and near-terminally embarrassing for half the men present._

#

Friendly fire isn't. Stop telling the new recruits it is.

_While it was shocking just what the newbies would believe to be true because a senior officer said it, it was also quite hilarious._

#

Your commanding officer is to be kept informed of major events as they happen, not two weeks later.

_When the angry mob turned up looking for Edward Elric's head...and other bits of his anatomy...on a platter, Mustang was clueless about what their grievances right up until Edward's report hit the desk five minutes after the mob's arrival._

#

Any pranks requiring the cooperation of Alphonse Elric will be carried out only with his willing and informed consent.

_When Edward found the lifeless suit of armor by the side of the road, he was terrified he'd lost his brother. Lt. Colonel Hughes found him and called Colonel Mustang, who arrived with Alphonse in tow, only to have Edward faint at the sight of his brother. _

_It was quickly ascertained that the culprit behind the prank was one of Archer's men, and vengeance was taken quickly._

#

Water-based creatures with more than four legs have been banned from base.

_This, after Breda spent ten minutes with an octopus down his pants as punishment after having pissed off Colonel Mustang._

#

Any and all bets concerning Warrant Officer Fallman and Private Sciezka are to be placed with the Elric brothers.

"_Why didn't you tell me?" Winry said when she heard the story._

#

The slogan "Save a jeep, ride a captain." has been banned from base.

"_Captain Harkness, pervert extraordinaire," Edward Elric said when he found out who started it._

#

You are not allowed to teach Elysia Hughes how to fight without her parents' permission.

_This went up after Elysia dispatched the bully who was picking on her best friend, using a move that was patently Edward Elric's._

_Edward was thrilled to death by his student's progress. Her parents, not so much._

_He went into hiding for two days until he was sure he wouldn't be skinned._

#

Unless you are watching film footage of male deer, you are not allowed to bring stag movies into the office and view them.

_When the Elric boys walked into the office and saw what was showing on the movie screen, Edward fainted, and it was learned that it was possible for a suit of armor to blush._

#

The prank war ends. Now. (By order of General Hakuro, Lt. Riza Hawkeye, Alphonse Elric, and Gracia Hughes)

_Hakuro was ready to court martial any and all participants. Hawkeye was ready to shoot both Hughes and Mustang. Gracia was ready to have them both sedated until she was sure they could behave themselves. And Alphonse had taken his brother back to Resembool to rest for a few weeks. _

#

If it looks explosive, it probably is.

_Edward got the meaning immediately, and lunged at Colonel Mustang."Why you son of a - "_

"_I rest my case," Roy said as he stepped out of the way._

#

There are no ninjas lurking around the Eastern Headdquarters building.

a. Even if there were, Lt. Hawkeye does not control them.

"_Of course I don't," Riza said. "The pirates are a lot more entertaining."_

#

The following phrases have been banned from the base: "What could possibly go wrong?" "It can't possibly get any worse." "What could possibly happen?"

a. Make no mistake. It will go wrong, it can get worse, and it will happen.

_After several incidents of someone invoking these phrases and all hell proceeding to break loose, this went without saying._

#

To be continued...


	12. Chapter 11

The first chapter post-prank war, and the mayhem doesn't stop. Instead, I think it's spread out somewhat, and the ladies actually get involved in the chaos. The aftermath of the prank war is still going to go on for a while, though.

Also, look for a hint about August 13.

If you've read the manga, you know already who Elizabeth is.

As always, Fullmetal Alchemist isn't mine, and at this point, I don't think the characters would want to be.

Reviews and comments are, of course, welcome, and all flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist.

#

"_I want this done, and done quickly," Roy Mustang snarled. "I have a date this evening."_

"_With Elizabeth, sir?" Sergeant Fuery asked. _

"_Who else, Sergeant?" he said._

"_Say, chief, when are we going to get to meet this chick?" Breda asked._

"_Yeah," Havoc said, "you've been seeing her for months now."_

_Mustang glanced at Hawkeye, who stood as impassively as ever. "That's hard to say," he said. "As much as you've heard about her, I'd think it would be as if you already knew her."_

"_But to hear about her is one thing," Havoc said. "To see her is something else. Didn't you say you were picking her up here tonight?"_

"_I think that's going to have to wait until this crisis is passed," Hawkeye said cooly. "The Eastern Liberation Front isn't going to wait just because you want to meet the colonel's girlfriend...however wonderful this - " She gave the colonel a long, hard look they thought would have had him running for cover. " - Elizabeth might be."_

#

Enemies of the state don't care about your social calendar.

_Colonel Mustang complained about missing a date because of a terrorist attack once too often._

#

"The yellow-eyed demon told me to." is not an excuse.

"_Major Elric is not a demon," Colonel Mustang said, "despite appearances to the contrary."_

#

Never underestimate an angry parent.

_After the incident on August 13, most people started looking at Lt. Colonel Hughes with an entirely new respect and a certain degree of fear._

#

Any references to Lt. Hawkeye's rack had better be referring to the cabinet in which she keeps her firearms.

"_Lieutenant Hawkeye has fanboys?" Danny Brosch said. _

_Maria Ross shrugged. "Who knew?"_

#

You are not allowed to act out your reports using sock puppets.

_In the time it took for Ed to make the puppets, he could have written the report, handed it in, and not have had to deal directly with Mustang for at least a month._

#

Mashed potatoes are not meant to explode.

_The five figures who emerged from the potato-covered mess hall were later identified as Edward and Alphonse Elric, Roy Mustang, and Maes and Gracia Hughes._

#

You are not allowed to steal people's pants.

_Though Hughes did get some amazing shots of Edward Elric running for his life with Roy Mustang, in nothing but his boxers, chasing him._

#

You are not the master of the ninjas. Stop saying that you are.

_Nobody knew who posted it, but it was held in place by what was later identified as a Xingese throwing star._

#

The helmet belonging to the younger brother of the Fullmetal Alchemist is not to be used as a theater prop.

_At the Yule party, a magnificently drunk Colonel Mustang had been performing the "Alas, poor Yorick" speech and using Alphonse's head in place of a skull._

#

Sleep is not for the dead.

_Master Sergeant Furey hadn't closed his eyes for two days after the green-hair incident._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist does not need a rabies shot.

"_If he keeps going around biting people, he'll need one," Colonel Mustang said. _

#

You are not allowed to say "I told you so."

a. Especially to Lt. Hawkeye.

b. Only Lt. Hawkeye is allowed to say that.

_While she didn't control the ninjas, she did control the pirates, and they were very quick to take offense on her behalf._

#

You cannot arrest a superior officer for perceived character flaws.

_Edward tried to get Mustang arrested on charges of being a sarcastic bastard. It didn't work._

#

Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes and Colonel Roy Mustang are trained practical jokers with years of experience behind them both individually and as a team. Do not follow their example unless you really want to end up dead or court martialled.

_Word had leaked out about Hughes and Mustang's time at the academy and there was talk among some of the younger officers about attempting to break their records. Lt. Hawkeye posted this as a way to stave off any potential disasters and/or premature deaths that could occur as a result._

#

Do not hit on Lieutenant Hawkeye.

a. Do you _want_ to be shot?

b. Or incinerated?

"_What was it you said about not encouraging them, Lieutenant?"_

"_..."_

#

If a State Alchemist says, "Oops," start running.

_The Ice Alchemist made a major mistake in his equations, and the entire fourth floor was turned into a glacier for a week, even with Flame helping to thaw it out._

#

People caught in the crossfire of the prank war are not eligible for combat pay.

_Neither Ed nor Furey got the money they were hoping for, but the overwhelming sympathy and support from the mostly female payroll staff more than made up for it._

#

You are not allowed to tamper with machinery "just to see what happens," especially if you don't know what it does.

"_I told you that would happen if you tried it, Brother," Alphonse said as they ran away from the burning truck. "But, no, you just had to see for yourself."_

"_Shut up, Al."_

#

The Flame Alchemist is not to be used to make s'mores.

_Edward, Alphonse, and, surprisingly, Colonel Mustang pouted for two days after that went up._

#

A two drink limit does not mean first and last.

_Nobody would have ever guessed that Riza Hawkeye and Gracia Hughes could get that drunk. Or that loud._

_"Is it just me, Roy, or does this seem familiar?" Maes asked as they carried the drunken women out of the bar._

#

A/N: The story behind the last one will be told later. I promise.


	13. Chapter 12

So, long time no see. I know it's been a while, but when I started writing this piece, I promised myself that when I broke it into chapters, I would write the story that went with the first piece of each part without changing the order.

If you've been reading this for very long, you can guess that some of these were easier to write than others. This one was one of the more difficult ones.

Since I'm still not Arakawa-san, I can only say that these characters aren't mine. I'm just borrowing them for a while, and will return them in just as good a shape as when I got them...mostly. Whether she'll want them back, though...that's another story.

As always, drop me a line and let me know what you think. Reviews are always welcome, and all flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist.

#

_According to the army's official regulations, its officers were required to attend the occasional seminar as a means of keeping their skills fresh and their knowledge up to date. The officers had to attend at least five of them a year, so they were held fairly frequently._

_Edward had never been on base, or near a base so he could attend one...until today._

_It had something to do with combat strategy, but he wasn't really paying too much attention. Izumi-sensei had already taught him the majority of the material when he was eleven. The group tactics weren't something he was interested in, either. He had no intention of ever having to lead troops into combat._

_The only real entertainment was that screwball Andrews. He proposed the craziest battle plans for the most straightforward situations. He proposed retreat when attack would be wisest. And he was the only one who would ever consider seducing enemy commanders as a means of preventing a battle._

Well, the only one other than Harkness_, Ed thought with a smirk. The captain would probably sleep with anything if it was attractive and willing._

_When the instructor started discussing calculation of casualties, he asked the standard question...and got a less than standard answer._

_The classroom erupted into laughter until they realized he was serious._

#

Twelve Amestrian dead plus thirty-four enemy dead does not equal one hell of a barbecue.

_Corporal Andrews was given a Section Eight discharge, and was now on his way back home in the company of his mother._

#

There is no such thing as "Hug an Alchemist Day."

_The alchemists had been glomped about half a dozen times each by various people before they figured out what was going on._

#

You are not allowed to start a "Hug an Alchemist Day."

_Edward Elric had not realized he had a virtual army of fangirls in Eastern City until the girl wished him a happy first annual Hug An Alchemist Day, and glomped him._

#

Ouroborous tattos are officially banned from base.

_The day Danny Brosch showed off his new tattoo, he spent most of his time hiding from the Elric Brothers and Colonel Mustang, who seemed convinced that he had somehow become a homonculous._

#

The people in your unit are not your minions - evil, faceless, or otherwise.

_That Colonel Mustang had a megalomaniacal streak was a well-known fact. That he had that trait in common with Lt. Colonel Hughes was not so well-known._

#

Colonel Mustang is no longer to be referred to as Mr. Riza Hawkeye.

_There seemed to be some question of who wore the pants in their relationship...such as it was._

#

We do not have Casual Fridays.

_Nobody was sure what was scarier: Maes Hughes in the duck pajamas, or Jean Havoc in leather pants._

"_Al, I think I just went blind again..."_

#

You are not allowed to steal Major Armstrong's sparklies.

_Nobody was entirely sure how Havoc did it, but while he had them, the things were everywhere and they bred like rabbits until Armstrong stepped in and took them back._

#

When in doubt, read the directions.

_It took Maes Hughes, Roy Mustang, Jean Havoc, and Edward Elric three hours, countless curse words, and half a pack of cigarettes to put Elysia's new swingset together wrong. Between the four of them, Gracia, Riza, Sciezka, and Winry took about half an hour to undo the damage and get the thing up and going._

#

"I wonder what this array does..." is something you never want to hear a State Alchemist say.

_Mustang's men were lucky they weren't having to mop him up after he touched a previously unknown array and unleashed at least five thousand gallons of water that immediately flooded the entire third floor._

#

You are not allowed to make water jokes around the Flame Alchemist.

_He still hadn't gotten completely over being told he was "useless in the rain," and the incident on the third floor wasn't helping._

#

Unless you know the language, do not attempt to curse in it.

_Breda's attempts to curse in Xingese had Colonel Mustang laughing hysterically before it was over. "Who knew he could even speak the lingo?" he said._

#

You are not allowed to pet the kitty chimera's ears or any other bits of its anatomy.

a. Even if it is adorable.

_Despite his allergies, Colonel Mustang couldn't resist. Twenty stitches and a rabies shot later, he learned his lesson._

#

A big dog will just as soon steal your watch as look at it.

_Ed had come in with a shovel and what looked like a clod of dirt in his hands, tacked the note to the bulletin board, and was next seen in the kitchenette scrubbing his pocketwatch clean._

#

Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes is not now, nor has he ever been a samurai.

"_But the guy in that Xingese movie sounded just like him," Sciezka insisted. "It was just...creepy."_

_She didn't see the Lieutenant Colonel put the throwing star away and walk out of the room smirking._

#

Do not mock a superior officer unless you are sure said superior officer is not standing behind you.

_Edward had been doing his always excellent impression of Colonel Mustang when the man himself came up behind him and watched. "I don't think I'm that bad, Fullmetal," he said. _

_Edward yelped and had to be pried off the ceiling._

#

You are not allowed to take bets on how long it takes the Fullmetal Alchemist to destroy his automail.

a. It only encourages him. (Posted by Winry Rockbell)

_The betting pool apparently covered more than just who may or may not have been sleeping with whom._

#

Home remedies are to be left at home.

"_Grandma Mustang strikes again, I see," Maes Hughes said, and walked away smirking._

#

The Oncoming Storm is not coming to get you. Stop saying he is.

_The Oncoming Storm was a character in bedtime stories that parents told their children if they didn't want them to become alchemists._

#

You cannot have flashbacks to something that never happened.

_Lt. McLeod bragged for weeks about the part he played in stopping the invading army that fought under the banner of the twisted cross. When he said it happened three years in the future, people started giving him a very wide berth._

#

To be continued...

#

A/N 1: The reference to Grandma Mustang and her home remedies will be explained in another piece.

A/N 2: The reference to the army fighting under the banner of the twisted cross is a blatent reference to _Conquerer of Shamballa_, which hasn't happened yet in this continuity.

A/N 3: Yes, the Oncoming Storm is, in fact, the Doctor. I figured with Captain Jack running around all this time, it was inevitable he'd show up sooner or later.


	14. Chapter 13

Well, it's been nearly a month since I last posted. Thankfully, I managed to salvage my notes for this piece. Once again, alchemists behave badly, investigators act up, fallout from the prank war is still felt, and Captain Jack puts in another appearance.

In theory, updates should start to come fairly regularly now.

Fullmetal Alchemist still isn't mine, but I promise I'll return the characters in approximately the same condition as when I borrowed them.

Reviews are always welcome, and I will try to answer every one. Flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist.

#

_The List, since it had gone up, had prompted amusement, occasional outrage, some trepidation on more than a few people's parts, and a fairly extensive prank war. The day Edward Elric emerged from the third-floor break room looking ready to kill something or someone, it sparked a vendetta._

_"This is the last straw," he snarled to himself, "I'm not a damn dog, and if I hear one more crack about me being a _puppy_ of the military, I'm gonna transmute 'em into penicillin and give them to Winry to for medical supplies..."_

_The only reason Mustang's door didn't shatter when he kicked it in was that he didn't use his automail leg._

_The colonel was in a meeting with Lieutenants Hawkeye and Havoc, but Edward ignored them. "You," he growled, and grabbed Mustang by the front of his uniform. "Come with me."_

_"You'd better have a good excuse, Fullmetal," he said._

_Edward didn't say a word until he'd dragged him back to the break room. "Look," he said, "at that."_

_Mustang did, and he understood._

#

Do not feed the alchemists.

a. Do it once, and they never go away.

"_Fullmetal," the Flame Alchemist said to his very young colleague, "I think we've just been insulted."_

#

You are not allowed to buy souls on government time.

_Which was a pity, because Havoc had accumulated quite a collection before anyone caught on._

#

Elysia Hughes is to be returned to the custody of her mother.

a. Now.

_Elysia had been used as a pawn by both sides in the prank war, and, while she had been having the time of her young life playing a grand game with her daddy and uncle, her mother was ready to take a page from Lt. Hawkeye's book and shoot the pair of them._

#

You are not allowed to bring ice cream in unless you are willing to share.

_Danny got the idea after Maria took the spoon away from him and helped herself to most of his chocolate chip ice cream. Apparently, she was off her diet._

#

Any reference to Colonel Mustang's unit had better be referring to the men under his command.

_One of the colonel's fangirls had a far dirtier mind than anyone had expected._

#

You are not allowed to insult a fellow officer and blame it on a sock puppet.

_When Mustang heard a high-pitched silly voice call him a lint-sucking son of a bitch, he turned to see Fullmetal standing there, a sock-puppet version of himself on his right hand and a grin on his face. "He did it," he said, pointing at the puppet. _

#

The library is a place for reading and for doing serious research. If your intention is to pick up girls, there are nightclubs and bars in town.

_While Private Sciezka had apparently been utterly charmed by Captain Harkness's attentions, Warrant Officer Fallman wasn't._

#

Teenage hormones and unresolved sexual tension are not a solid basis for a doctor-patient relationship.

_Havoc noticed Ed and Winry standing in the break room trying to puzzle that one out. "You'd think they never saw anyone flirting before," Winry said._

_Havoc thought about some of the teenagers' fights that he'd witnessed, and nearly inhaled his cigarette._

#

The Flame Alchemist is hereby forbidden from growing a mustache. Ever.

"_He looks like a porn star!" Edward said between giggles._

#

Base personnel under the age of sixteen are not to be given sugar.

_Maes Hughes posted this after spending a harrowing afternoon with his daughter and the Elric brothers. Suffice to say, there was a lot of chocolate and three hyperactive children involved._

#

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

_When Flame and Fullmetal found out that Captain Marx was the one responsible for the insult to the base's alchemists, they immediately called a truce and started hunting him._

#

The inflatable sheep is not in the chain of command and is not authorized to give orders.

_This, after Havoc and Breda got caught mid-prank and said, "The sheep made us do it."_

#

The only person allowed to call Roy Mustang "Colonel Bastard" is the Fullmetal Alchemist.

"_It's almost sweet how protective those boys are of him," Gracia Hughes said._

"_In a warped sort of way," Maes agreed._

#

"Like hell I will," is not a proper response when given a direct order. a. Even if it is prefaced by, "With all due respect, sir.

"_This went up after Fallman refused to take custody of the Fullmetal Alchemist while the boy was on a sugar and caffeine high that was frightening to behold._

#

If you must insist on gambling, do not bet more than you can afford to lose.

_Gracia posted this after she spent a solid month feeding Danny Brosch because he lost an entire month's paycheck to Lt. Havoc._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is the only one permitted to refer to Miss Rockbell as a "gearhead."

"_She's even scarier than Major Elric when she's mad," Fuery whimpered from the relative safety of underneath Colonel Mustang's desk._

#

Unless you can prove the lady is your significant other, you have no business fighting over her.

_When Danny Brosch caught Captain Harkness flirting with Maria Ross, the ensuing brawl ended with Danny on the ground muttering about how green the sky was, and Maria calling them both idiots and walking away from the whole mess._

#

Prisoners who cooperate do not get nudity privileges with their interrogators.

"_You maniacs broke my husband!" Gracia shouted when she found out why she had been called to take him home. _

#

Gracia Hughes is not to be messed with.

_It turned out that she could be just as scary as Hawkeye when she wanted to be._

#

Neither the Fullmetal Alchemist nor his younger brother needs to have a sex education lecture.

_Since Edward's personnel record showed that he had never had the Talk, it was assumed that Alphonse hadn't either. Since Colonel Roy Mustang was the closest thing to a father figure the boys had, he was enlisted to give them the Lecture._

_At the first mention of sex, Edward blushed, sputtered, and got indignant. Alphonse, on the other hand, folded his hands, rested them on the table, and said, "What do you want to know?"_

#

A/N: Ah, the birds and the bees. You and I both know that this is not going to end well.


	15. Chapter 14

Well, I've been a busy girl lately, haven't I? Two stories in as many days. This has got to be a new record.

If you've visited my profile, you'll notice that I've started a new series of stories based on the rules and regulations listed here. I'm taking requests if you want to know the story behind a rule. Drop me a PM and I'll be glad to oblige if possible.

I just noticed the date I posted the first chapter, and it's hard to believe it's been more than a year since I started posting this. On that note, I'd like to thank everyone who's been reading, whether you've reviewed or not. Thanks for sticking with me for so long.

As always, Fullmetal Alchemist and the characters and situations associated with it are not mine, and, of course, I will respond to all reviews that I can.

#

_It was a wholly unremarkable rag doll, overall. It was made out of muslin with a mop of black yarn for hair and a few scraps of army blue wool for an approximation of a uniform. What made it stand out, however, was that it was nailed through its throat to the wall of the break room and had an impressive collection of pins, needles, and even a few toothpicks sticking out of its body._

_When they discovered it, the Elric brothers, being the teenage boys they were, thought it was one of the funniest things they'd ever seen, and fell over laughing._

_Their laughter caught the attention of Lt. Hawkeye, who, naturally, came to find out what was so funny. When she saw the doll, she let out a sigh that was closer to a growl. "Once," she said, "just once, I'd like to see those two act their ages..."_

_"But, we didn't put it there, Lieutenant Hawkeye," Alphonse said._

_"I didn't mean you and Edward," she said. "I was talking about the Disaster Twins."_

_Both boys stared at her for a long moment. "...the Disaster Twins?" Edward finally asked._

_"I was talking," she nearly snarled, "about Lt. Colonel Hughes and Colonel Mustang."_

#

You are not allowed to make voodoo dolls of the people who piss you off.

_Apparently, Hughes and Mustang were fighting again._

#

Yoki-hunting is not an acceptable pastime.

_The lieutenant had tried to use the Youswell mining operation to line his own pockets, and vanished off the face of the earth after Fullmetal stopped him. The bounty was currently 100,000 cenz if he was brought in alive._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist has no taste. Do not ask him to assist in redecorating.

_This, after Edward redid Colonel Mustang's office in Early Gargoyle._

#

Any decor that might terrify small children has been banned from the base.

"_Elysia's afraid to go anywhere Roy's office now," Maes said. The small child in question was clinging to him like a barnacle, terrified the monsters would get her...or him._

#

Unless you are the one getting married, you are not allowed to plan a wedding.

a. Private Sciezka, I'm surprised at you.

b. And you, too, Miss Rockbell.

_The two of them had apparently decided that Colonel Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye were a hairsbreadth away from getting engaged, and had done everything except book the church and drag Hawkeye off to choose the wedding gown._

#

Any and all siege weapons are to stay outside.

_The second Roy opened his office door he was bowled over by thirty pounds of whipped cream fired from the miniature catapult that used to be his desk._

#

Your pocketwatch does not entitle you to any special privileges beyond what is stated in conventional military regulations.

_Roy Mustang had used the "State Alchemist business" line to get front-row seats to the hot new stage show that featured effects that "might be of an alchemical nature and potentially valuable to the State."_

#

If you aren't going to like the answer, don't ask the question.

_Seven words: "Does this dress make me look fat?"_

#

Lt. Havoc's motorcycle is to be left alone._As it turned out, he was as dangerous as Flame and Fullmetal put together if somebody laid so much as a hand on his baby without his permission._

#

The Flame Alchemist is nothing like the crown prince of Areugo.

"_That self-important womanizer wouldn't be able to find his ass without a Ouija board, a hunting dog, and detailed directions," Roy Mustang insisted._

_Edward Elric's reply, something along the lines of large pots and small kettles, resulted in the boy fleeing his commander's office, followed by a fireball as big as he was, and laughing every step of the way._

#

You are not allowed to mess with the heads of the new recruits.

a. They're screwed up enough as it is.

_Before Colonel Mustang shut them down, his men had a group of new recruits convinced that Central City was facing an imminent zombie invasion from outer space._

#

Bad brownies are no excuse for planning to blow up the mess hall.

"_They ruined chocolate, Mustang," Edward said. "That shouldn't even be possible."_

"_Major Elric does have a point, sir," Lt. Hawkeye said._

_Roy wasn't sure if he should be worried or disturbed that she was agreeing._

#

The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

_Envy finally tracked Maria Ross down to the training grounds, where she was teaching a group of new recruits how to deal with mustard gas. They were protected. He wasn't._

_It took two months for his throat and lungs to heal to a point where he could swear vengeance on her._

#

If Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes or Colonel Roy Mustang have nothing to do, they are to be found something to do.

_Between the two of them, they had caused just as much, if not more, chaos as both Elric brothers put together._

"_We're not _that_ bad, are we, Brother?" Alphonse asked._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is forbidden from getting behind the wheel of an automobile for the next four years.

"_It's okay, Colonel," Hawkeye soothed. "You're out of the car now. You're safe."_

_Roy Mustang shivered under her touch and whimpered, but otherwise didn't acknowledge her presence._

#

You are not allowed to hint that there is anything less than professional going on between Colonel Roy Mustang and Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye.

_Apparently the betting pool was still open on the whole "are they or aren't they?" question._

#

If you are going to transmute furniture, you had better be willing to prove it is yours.

_The accounting department was starting to ask some very pointed questions about the origin of Mustang's new catapult, and the whereabouts of his desk._

#

Non-participants in the prank war are not eligible for hazard pay.

"_Lt. Hawkeye?"_

"_Nothing ventured, nothing gained, Maria."_

#

Just because a person is a civilian is no reason to assume they are harmless.

_After he made a pass at Izumi Curtis, Captain Harkness spent three hours trapped between a giant ceramic hand and a brick wall before anyone decided to show him mercy and get him out._

#

Unless your name is Edward Elric, you are not the Fullmetal Alchemist.

_The two boys who had been claiming to be Edward and Alphonse had gotten into a hell of a lot of trouble with the military in general and Colonel Mustang's unit in particular before they were finally caught and the older one was smacked upside the head repeatedly by the real Edward Elric._

#

A/N: The reference to the crown prince of Aerugo comes from what is apparently the newest FMA game to be released in Japan. The physical similarities between Colonel Mustang and the prince, and the similar reaction girls seem to have to them just begged for comment.


	16. Chapter 15

Ladies and gentlemen, I now return you to our standard level of chaos. We've got practical jokes, traumatized Elrics, Captain Jack Harkness, and annoyed homonculi. What more could you ask for?

For those of you who are sending in requests for stories, don't worry. A lot of these I wrote with only a vague idea of the stories behind them, so fleshing them out is taking some work. I will post them sooner or later. I haven't forgotten you.

For those of you who may want to see the ones with Captain Jack, I'm probably going to use those in a crossover with _Dr. Who_ that I've been toying with for a while now. I have a fragment that I may post at some point here, but beyond that, I've got nothing.

As always, FMA still isn't mine, and neither are the two guest stars...unfortunately.

#

_"Absolutely not." Roy Mustang folded his arms across his chest and glared over his desk at his men. _

_"But, we can't do it, sir," Heymans Breda said. "We don't know them as well as you."_

_"If anyone does it, it should be Hughes," Mustang insisted. "He's closer to being a father figure to them than I am."_

_"Don't look at me, Roy," Hughes said. "You're the one who's really responsible for them. If anyone's their father figure, it's you."_

_"But I'm not old enough!" he said._

_"With all due respect, sir," Riza Hawkeye said. "You are Edward's commanding officer."_

_He gave her his best puppy-dog eyes expression, but she didn't budge an inch. "Can't you do it, Lieutenant?"_

_"Sir, this is really the sort of discussion that should be had man-to-man," she said._

_The first thought that went through his head would have gotten him killed instantly if he'd said it. "...do I have to?" he finally asked, quite pointedly not pouting. Not in the slightest._

_"The commanding officer is usually the one who does it," Hawkeye said._

_"Why me?"_

_"We took a vote and decided, Chief," Havoc said._

_Okay. He could get back on sold footing with that. "And why do I not recall this?" he asked. It wasn't like he'd been napping in the office, after all...at least not this morning._

_Five minutes after he had his answer, the new rule went up._

_Ten minutes after that, the Elrics were in his office._

#

You are not allowed to volunteer people without their consent.

_Colonel Mustang had been in the bathroom when it was decided that he would be the one to give the Elrics the Talk._

_#_

Handcuffs are not to be used for anything but professional reasons.

_When the two missing pairs of handcuffs had been tracked down, one pair was found around the wrists of Colonel Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye, and the other around the wrists of Edward Elric and Winry Rockbell._

_The two would-be couples were planning the murder of the person or persons who had shackled them together and then hid the keys._

_Oddly enough, Lt. Colonel Hughes and his family had gone on vacation to the other side of the country again while this was happening._

#

The Flame Alchemist's little black book is not public property.

a. Give it back, Fullmetal.

_Edward had apparently gotten hold of it during his last argument with the colonel, and had put it up for auction._

#

You are not the Oncoming Storm. For the love of the gods, stop saying you are!

_The skinny guy with the weird hair and the trench coat and the near-permanent smirk on his face had every alchemist on base - Fullmetal, Flame and Strongarm included - in a state of near-panic for reasons they couldn't explain._

_#_

The space in Alphonse Elric's armor is not for rent.

"_I feel so violated..." Alphonse said._

_#_

Black Hayate is not to be used as bait for the opposite sex.

_Havoc had gotten it into his head that women liked men who were good with animals, and borrowed Black Hayate. The only woman whose attention he caught was an irate Lt. Hawkeye._

_#_

If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

_After Ed found out that Colonel Mustang had been as touchy about his height as Edward when he was a teenager, Edward started throwing every short joke in the book at him._

_Mustang responded in kind, and the architecture suffered for it._

#

The words "I'm fine" do not apply to the following situations: stab wounds, gunshot wounds, copious blood loss, head injuries of any kind, high fever, massive contusions, dislocated limbs, and broken bones. (Posted by Gracia Hughes)

_As near as anyone could tell, Hughes had come home badly hurt and tried to dismiss his injuries with the words, "I'm fine." Gracia, having been a nurse before she married him, knew damn well that he wasn't, and all but frog-marched him to the emergency room._

#

You are not allowed to kidnap the Fullmetal Alchemist.

_The last guy to try it was still in the hospital, and would be eating through a straw for either the next six months or until his jaw healed, whichever came first._

#

Unless there is actually a fire, the sprinkler system is strictly off-limits.

_Edward had finally been pranked once too often, and decided to take matters into his own hands…so to speak. There were six inches of water standing in Colonel Mustang's office before anyone managed to turn it off._

#

Any and all exploits from the distant past – sexual or otherwise – are to be kept in the distant past.

_As it turned out, Jack Harkness was an old drinking buddy of Pinako Rockbell's. . .among other things. By the time they'd finished reminiscing, Colonel Mustang had fainted, and his men were close to joining him. _

_The teenagers, on the other hand, had seen where the whole thing was going, and left before it got bad._

#

There is no such thing as brain bleach.

a. Although there should be.

_The men in Colonel Mustang's unit – the colonel included – put in for a gallon of the stuff apiece after Mrs. Rockbell left._

#

Do not mess with Lieutenant Hawkeye's knitting.

"_I didn't even know she could knit," Alphonse said, though that did explain what the Colonel had said about having not remembered that cotton burned at such a low temperature._

_#_

Don't ask. Just...don't ask.

_It was the only answer anyone could get for why Hughes and Mustang returned from what was supposed to have been a simple there-and-back-again mission without their jeep, their uniforms, or their self-respect, and looking like a matched pair of swamp monsters._

_#_

The words "stir fry" and "Black Hayate" are not to be used in the same sentence.

_Lt. Hawkeye was not about to let Lt. Havoc forget what he'd planned to do with her dog._

#

The younger brother of the Fullmetal Alchemist is not as innocent as people think he is.

_The Talk had proven to be more instructive on both sides than had been anticipated, and when it was over, a blushing Colonel Mustang tacked the new rule to the bulletin board._

_#_

If you're going to insult someone, for god's sake, leave their mother out of it.

_One of Captain Marx's cronies apparently made an obscene reference to Colonel Mustang's mother, and quickly came to regret it._

#

Contrary to popular belief, Colonel Mustang can do more with alchemy than set things on fire. (Suggested by Wanna be Alchemist)

_The man who made the mistake of insulting Mrs. Mustang ended up alchemized to the ceiling with a piece of duct tape over his mouth. It took nearly twelve hours for anyone to come looking for him, and two more after that for someone to find him._

#

Hanging laundry does not equal target practice.

"_I only did that once, Riza!"_

"_I know, sir."_

"_I was a teenager. I didn't know any better."_

"_Of course not, sir."_

#

If you encounter the homunculus known as Lust, do not attempt to look down her dress.

a. Or up her skirt.

_Warrant Officer Robbins tried this, and learned to his detriment that the lady had claws. According to the doctors, he was going to have to learn to get along with three fewer feet of intestine than he would normally have._

_Surprisingly, the women on base were of the opinion that he got off easy._

#


	17. Chapter 16

Sorry it's been so long between updates. Work's been...work, and for a while the idea of putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) was not something I was looking forward to. That's right, I had writer's block.

On top of that, this was one of the more difficult story parts to write. I knew who I wanted involved, but I just wasn't sure how. I think I did a reasonably good job, though.

While I'm at it, I have to give some credit where credit is overdue. The reference to Colonel Mustang and the kitty chimera a few chapters back came from RandomCheese's hilarious piece, A Little Problem. I've kept meaning, and forgetting, to mention that. Sorry, Random.

Nothing's changed in the last month, so I still don't own FMA or anything else that gets mentioned in this.

As always, thank you in advance for your reviews. I'll respond to as many as I can.

#

_"Should we be allowing this to continue, sir?" Sloth asked as she read through the sheaf of papers stuck to the bulletin board._

_"I think we can let them do it for a while," Wrath said. "It lets them blow off steam, and it's not doing any serious harm."_

_A crash from down the hall, followed by a howl, punctuated his words._

_Sloth didn't say a word, but just raised an eyebrow at him._

_"I said, no serious harm," he said._

_They were silent as a young man in a lieutenant's uniform ran past screaming, followed shortly by a fireball almost as big as he was. _

_A few moments later, the Flame Alchemist stuck his head in the room. When he realized who was present, he stood at attention and saluted until Wrath returned it. "At ease, son," he said. "Now what's the problem?"  
_

_"Sir, I was just looking for Lt. Ritz," Flame said. "Have you seen him?"_

_Wrath chuckled at that. "I believe the lieutenant was heading for the second floor," he said. "If you're quick, you may get him before he leaves the building."_

_Flame saluted again. "Thank you, sir," he said. "Permission to go after him?"  
_

_"Go ahead, Flame," he said._

_Flame couldn't quite hide the evil smile on his face. "Thank you, sir." Without another word, he turned on his heel, and took off down the hall at a dead run._

_"You know he's going to barbecue Lt. RItz, don't you?" Sloth said._

_Wrath smiled. "Let him have his fun," he said. "It won't make any difference."_

#

You are not allowed to use new recruits as human sacrifices.

"_That's what the alchemists are for," Pride said. "Am I right, my dear?"_

_Sloth only smiled in reply._

#

When dealing with an enraged Fullmetal Alchemst, refrain from using the phrase, "Gimmie a break." He is likely to take it as an invitation.

_Edward had heard that secondhand smoke could stunt growth, and in the light of this new information, had taken Havoc to task over it. Havoc replied with the now-banned phrase, and Edward obliged._

_The doctor said that Havoc would regain full use of his arm in about two and a half to three months._

#

The public address system does not exist for your entertainment.

_After six and a half hours of Havoc and Breda playing DJ, the entire base was ready to have them hung, drawn, and quartered._

_Havoc and Breda hid for a week until everyone had calmed down._

#

You are not omniscient.

"_That's what you'd like to think."_

"_Sir…"_

#

Winry Rockbell is off-limits.

_"Just in case that Harkness guy gets any ideas in the future," Edward snarled as he changed his automail back to normal._

_The battered heap that had once been Jack Harkness whimpered._

#

Preemptive ass-kickings are now forbidden.

_Winry, it turned out, was more than capable of defending her own honor and that of others, as demonstrated by her repeatedly applying her wrench to Ed's cranium after she found out about the beat-down of "Captain Jack."_

#

We do not need to know how many people can fit into a phone booth.

"_Ten, sir," a breathless Lt. Hawkeye said from the bottom of the pile of people who had fallen out when Mustang opened the door. "Twelve if two of them are Furey and Fullmetal."_

"_I am not short," Edward growled from further up in the pile._

#

The Flame Alchemist does not read bedtime stories to new recruits.

"_If you have trouble sleeping," he said, "that's your own problem."_

#

Unless you are prepared for the answer, do not ask the question.

_The tale of Hughes and Mustang's road trip as told by an officer who had witnessed part of it resulted in broken brains all around, and the two of them getting re-saddled with the college nickname of the Disaster Twins._

#

You are not authorized to negotiate treaties between the pirates and ninjas. a. Only their leaders can do that.

_"So, who's controlling them?" Edward Elric. _

_Hawkeye didn't answer. She simply smiled enigmatically, and walked away humming a sea shanty._

#

Unless you are asked to, do not clean the coffee pot in the Investigations office.

"_There was a layer of tar a half an inch thick in that pot, sir," Sciezka said when Hughes asked her about it. "The Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel said it wasn't good for you, so, I...finally washed it out…"_

#

If you and your significant other must "have some private time" while on base, do not forget to lock the damn door.

_When Havoc accidentally walked in on Colonel Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye, the only thing that stopped him from making a comment about Mustang's technique was that Lt. Hawkeye still had a gun in her garter._

#

You are not allowed to set up a kissing booth.

"_Our female officers have better things to do with their time, gentlemen," General Hakuro told a disappointed group of men that included Roy Mustang, Jean Havoc, and Danny Brosch._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother are not to be taught the art of manipulation.

a. They're already experts.

_It was not supposed to be possible for a seven-foot tall suit of armor to be able to look at someone with puppy-dog eyes, but there he was, right alongside his brother._

_Colonel Mustang caved in after a mere seven seconds of this treatment._

#

If you are lost, ask someone for directions.

_Apparently, Hughes and Mustang's road trip from hell could have been easily avoided if they had stopped to make sure they were on the right road._

#

Automail repair is to be left to the professionals.

_Edward's attempt to fix his automail using duct tape, baling wire, and three of Riza Hawkeye's bobby pins, though quite ingenious, only made Winry's job harder, and pissed her off, to boot._

#

The Flame Alchemist is not a carnival geek.

"_So Uncle Roy isn't gonna eat fire?"_

"_No, sweetie, it gives him heartburn."_

#

If you piss off a chimera, you get what you deserve.

"_Well, how was I to know the thing could eat metal?" Edward demanded as Winry took measurements for his new arm._

#

Lt. Hawkeye is officially off-limits.

_Colonel Mustang posted this in a fit of jealousy after she and Captain Harkness were seen getting a lot friendlier with each other than most people would have expected._

#

You are not allowed to sell tickets to Flame and Fullmetal's fights.

a. Or sell popcorn.

"_There goes the other thirty percent of my income," Fallman sighed._

#


	18. Chapter 17

Well, this is another one that was surprisingly hard to write. You see, there was a story elsewhere on the web that dealt with a staring contest with Alphonse, which inspired the rule, and I didn't want to plagiarize.

I think I found a good angle around it.

Let me know, will you?

As always, FMA isn't mine. Of course, neither is Captain Jack, nor our guest star from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He'll be explained in the author's notes.

On other topics, _Dispatches from the East_ is still going strong (42 reviews so far! Thanks to all my readers there!), and if there's a topic you'd like to see me write on, let me know. Those of you who have suggested things that haven't turned up yet, don't worry. I'm working on it.

#

_Edward's eyes felt like they were going to boil out of their sockets, like he'd been staring at the sun for too long, like he'd gone five rounds with Colonel Bastard in a bad mood. The fact that it was his own fault wasn't helping._

_"I thought you knew better."_

_His best friend's lack of sympathy for his situation was not helping either._

_"I'm really sorry, Brother..."_

_His little brother's misplaced guilt only made it worse._

_"It's not your fault, Al," Winry said. "Ed's just an idiot, that's all."_

_"Hey! I resent that," Ed said._

_"Well, you shouldn't," Winry said. "It's the truth, after all."_

#

Do not challenge Alphonse Elric to a staring contest. You will not win.

"_Suits of armor can't blink, you idiot," WInry said, even as she put a cold compress over Edward's eyes. "I thought you already knew that."_

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is no longer allowed to have sock puppets.

_The _Day in the Life of Eastern Command_ puppet show - written, directed, produced, and starred in by Edward Elric - was an enormous hit with Alphonse and Elysia both, but was also slanderous and borderline treason. It was also a solid explanation for where everybody's socks had been going for the past week._

#

Explosions are not necessarily a good thing.

_A friend of Riza's who had been a demolitions expert during the war had come to visit her, and had hit it off with Edward Elric. They started comparing notes._

#

You are not allowed to submit a collection of dirty limericks in place of a report.

"_And that was some of my best work, too," Edward Elric said. "I tell you, Al, the colonel has no respect for poetry."_

#

My type is not "upright and breathing." (Posted by Jack Harkness)

"_So says the man who made a pass at half the women on base, me, and my husband," Gracia Hughes said. "And that's just the ones I know about."_

#

The inflatable sheep cannot stand in for you during morning roll-call.

a. Havoc.

_He had apparently explained the situation to his mother, and she had, for reasons beyond most people's fathoming, accepted it._

#

Lt. Hawkeye did not attend the Yule party.

a. Anyone who says otherwise is sorely mistaken.

_Riza Hawkeye and alcohol, it turned out, were not a good combination, no matter how entertaining she was._

#

You are not allowed to play with your food.

_This, after the Elric brothers literally built a castle out of the tater tots on his plate, and used the broccoli as the surrounding vegetation._

#

You are not allowed to make pornographic movies on military property.

"_I think we broke Lieutenant Hawkeye..."_

_#_

Do not judge a book by its cover.

_The book that Sciezka had been poring over for the past two days turned out to be an old edition of a Xingese book called the _Kama Sutra_. _

_When Hughes asked her about it, she smiled innocently and said, "It never hurts to be prepared, sir."_

#

You are not allowed to attempt to drink Colonel Mustang under the table.

a. Do you _want_ to die of alcohol poisoning?

_Colonel Mustang had a very high tolerance for alcohol, as Lt. Havoc learned, much to his cost._

#

You are not allowed to sell naked pictures of the women on base.

a. Even if they do get a cut.

_Gracia Hughes had borrowed her husband's knives, and Hawkeye got out her favorite sniper rifle and the two of them started hunting the would-be cheesecake photographers. _

_Captain Morgenstern and his accomplice, Warrant Officer Robbins, promptly went into hiding. _

#

We do not need to know how many live goldfish you can eat.

_Fallman ate twenty-two, and was sick for a week afterward._

#

If you intend to insult somebody, please have the decency to identify yourself first.

_When the man materialized in Colonel Mustang's office during the meeting, called him a pyromaniacal manwhore, and disappeared, there was a moment of stunned silence before everyone except the colonel burst out laughing._

_An extensive search of the base and its grounds revealed that there was no one stationed there who met that person's description, and never had been._

#

There is no such thing as "Naked Tuesday."

a. Especially if it's women only.

_Among the disappointed men were Roy Mustang, Danny Brosch, Jean Havoc, and Vato Fallman._

"_It's not a problem for me," Jack Harkness was reported to have said when asked about his lack of reaction. "I can wait until after hours if they can."_

#

The alchemists have been banned from the kitchenette until further notice.

_After two disastrous incidents involving first Fullmetal and then Flame, it was universally decided that they were never to attempt to cook again…at least, on government property._

#

Unless you are Lieutenant Hawkeye and acting under specific orders, do not attempt to assassinate your commanding officer.

_Edward had expressed an interest in learning how to throw knives, and during his lesson with Hughes, Colonel Mustang accidentally crossed the line of fire. Fortunately, he walked away with nothing more than a torn uniform jacket._

#

Today is never a good day to die.

_This, after a skirmish with Envy. Furey had received a concussion and a broken arm, but the doctors said he'd be okay, given time._

#

You are no longer allowed to bet on your colleagues' love lives.

_There was a betting pool going on how quickly Havoc's new girlfriend would dump him, and whether it would be Mustang she dumped him for, or someone else._

#

You can't handle the truth.

_State Alchemist Mulder (known casually as Spooky) had become obsessed with finding his way to the Gate and seeing the Truth for himself. _

_When Edward heard about this, he tracked the man down, explained in graphic detail what the Gate did to him, and smacked him upside the head with his right hand for being an idiot._

_The next day, Mulder's partner sent Edward flowers._

#

Okay, a couple of author's notes this time.

I know I'm gonna get questions about the guy who insulted Mustang, so here's the explanation. In the _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ series (books only, so far as I know), there was a character named Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, who had somehow become immortal and literally had all of eternity to play around with. For lack of anything better to do, he decided to go through and insult every being that had ever existed, and that he would do so in alphabetical order.

Secondly, yes, State Alchemist Mulder is the obsessive FBI agent we all know, love, and occasionally lust after, from the _X-Files_. I couldn't resist.


	19. Chapter 18

I honestly have no idea where this one came from. This piece was supposed to be a meeting of the men who had lost (or nearly lost) their women to Captain Jack Harkness, and Mustang was supposed to be the one being ominous and scary, not Hughes.

I think he had more leftover hostility than I thought he did...

I certainly didn't plan on Captain Jack narrating, but he just sort of took over.

As always, FMA and the associated characters and situations are not mine. Neither is Captain Jack. *pouts*

Let me know what you think.

#

_Under normal circumstances, getting handcuffed and manhandled by an irate lieutenant colonel would be Captain Jack Harkness's idea of a fun afternoon. Especially if it were his idea._

_This time, however, it wasn't, and the only reason he was here in the first place was that the Doctor's new assistant had wanted to literally revisit her childhood. She and the Doctor had gone to see the sights, and left him to his own devices, with the Doctor saying something about it being against his better judgment. At this point, though, they were probably hanging around and waiting for him, for a change._

_"I was only saying hello," he protested as Lieutenant Colonel Hughes frog-marched him down the corridor of the army's headquarters._

_"You made a pass at my wife," Hughes snarled. "You turned this base on its ear, and you put one of _my_ men in the hospital. That is not just saying hello."_

_Oh, yes, the argument over the lovely Maria Ross. How could he have forgotten? She'd called him an idiot. "I was acting in self-defense," he said. "And what about the beating I got from that punk in the red coat? I didn't even do anything."_

_"Major Elric has been dealt with," Hughes said. "You, on the other hand, are a continuing pain in the ass."_

_Jack couldn't help himself. He really couldn't. "And you're going to discipline me?" He tried to twist around to look at his captor, but couldn't manage it without dislocating both shoulders. "Nice..."_

_Hughes stopped, and slammed him face first against the wall, then turned him around. "No," he said with a smile on his face that put Jack in mind of a man-eating shark. "You're going to talk to Colonel Mustang."_

#

Captain Jack Harkness is hereby ordered to stay one hundred feet from female personnel at all times.

_It didn't help. He started flirting with the male soldiers instead._

#

The cat is not a vital witness for the state in need of protective custody.

_"..."_

_"But Brother - !"_

#

You are not allowed to shoot the homunculi. It only pisses them off.

a. You are, however, allowed to set them on fire.

_Envy found Maria Ross on the weapons range while she was training with a new experimental flame-thrower. She burned him to a cinder before he could do more than shift to his customary form._

#

Experimental weaponry has no place in the chain of command.

_This, after someone wondered aloud if the new flamethrowers made the Flame Alchemist obsolete._

#

You are not allowed to ask Lt. Hawkeye if she is a natural blonde.

_Although she didn't take any direct action against him, Captain Morgenstern hid for a month after he asked her._

#

Unless you are a plumbing contractor, you should have no reason to tamper with the plumbing.

_The only clue that there was anything wrong was a howl from the men's shower followed by a stream of obscenities. Roy Mustang emerged wearing nothing but a towel, just in time to see Edward closing the door to the maintenance corridor._

#

Do not attempt to blackmail Lt. Colonel Hughes.

_His network of informants was extensive enough that if he personally didn't know where you buried the bodies, he knew someone who could find out._

#

Always read the fine print.

_When Vato Fallman accidentally sold himself – body and soul – to one of Madame Christmas's ladies, it took both him and Sciezka some fast talking and even faster footwork to keep her from cashing in._

#

The "foul pie" maneuver is no longer permitted during food fights.

"_Nothing below the belt, people," Havoc said. Breda replied by putting a cream pie down Havoc's shirt and rubbing it in._

#

Proper restraints in a vehicle do not consist of tying a person to the hood.

a. Or the roof.

_According to rumor, a few of Hughes' people had gotten overenthusiastic in their questioning of a suspect, and had broken half a dozen traffic laws in the process._

#

Pyromaniac jokes have been banned from the base.

"_You know they just get Mustang hot under the collar," Havoc said._

#

You are not allowed to skinny dip in the fountain.

"_The least Sgt. Breda could have done," Maria said afterward, "was keep his boxer shorts on…"_

#

Elysia Hughes is no longer allowed to sneak up on people.

_Her father had taught her how to do this, and she was putting her skill to good use. However, after she overheard several conversations that were not kid-friendly, and had knocked several people dangerously off-balance, it was unanimously decided that action had to be taken._

#

If the alchemists have nothing to do, they are to be found something to do.

_As it turned out, a bored alchemist is a dangerous alchemist. _

#

When planning a rescue, always be certain that the people you intend to rescue actually need it.

_The initial reports only said that Amestrian officers had been taken hostage. They had no idea that it had been Major Armstrong and Lt. Hawkeye. When the rescue party got there, the terrorists had already been hogtied and the hostages in question were having tea._

#

Flame throwers have no business being used around birthday cakes.

"_But he's ancient," Edward protested. "The candles will burn down completely before we get them all lighted."_

"_Colonel Mustang isn't that old, Edward," Hawkeye said._

#

Kilts. No. Nay. Never again. Ever.

_Hughes decided to try wearing one, and kept getting it flipped. Two hours later, he was back wearing his standard uniform._

"_I'm sorry, honey," Gracia giggled. "I just couldn't resist."_

"…_I wish you had…"_

#

You are not allowed to make Alphonse Elric cry.

_Even Archer had the good sense to obey this rule. A pissed-off Edward Elric coming to the defense of his little brother was something no one wanted to face._

#

You are not allowed to use electronic surveillance devices unless you have just cause.

"_But what's the point of having them if you can't use them?" Fuery complained when he heard this._

#

No smoking in the infirmary.

_Havoc had been so busy flirting with the new doctor that he'd forgotten that oxygen was explosive. She yelled at him for an hour after they put the fire out._

#

To be continued...

#

A/N: The foul pie comes from _Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl_, and the sketch where they demonstrate various techniques of humor. For the most part, Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam get the worst part of it.

A/N 2: Yes, I did have _Hawaii 5-0_ on last night while I was writing this. It seemed to fit.

A/N 3: I'll reveal who the new doctor is in the next segment with the bulletin board.


	20. Interlude 2

And, yes, we have come to the point of another interlude. A chance to step back and see what else has been going on around the base. There's a few shout-outs to my fellow fans, a couple of Dr. Who references (of course), and the shot that kicked the prank war into high gear.

We also get to meet the new doctor on base - the one who was yelling at Havoc for blowing up the infirmary last chapter, and in Dispatches, the one who's looking after poor Fuery.

Speaking of which, the next chapter of Dispatches is coming just as soon as I figure out how to end it.

As always, FMA and the associated characters and situations belong to Hiromu Arakawa. The other characters and situations that aren't FMA belong to the people who created them.

Let me know what you think.

#

LOST: One single-edged sword with sheath. If found, please return to the Investigations office.

#

BUTTON: Bad Wolf, No Cookie.

#

FLU SHOTS:

All personnel are required to get flu shots this year.

Report to Dr. Janet Frasier for your injection. No appointments necessary.

Infirmary hours: 7 a.m. to 9 p.m.

#

All personnel interested in helping to track and capture Edward Elric, please report to Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes in Investigations or Colonel Roy Mustang to volunteer.

#

Riza Hawkeye Lookalike Contest Winners:

First Prize: Gracia Hughes

Second Prize: Maria Ross

Third Prize: Riza Hawkeye

Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to all participants.

Report to Private Sciezka to collect your prizes, ladies. Good job.

#

HANDWRITTEN NOTE: Self preservation instinct? What self-preservation instinct?

#

Single female ninja seeks single male pirate for private negotiations. Attempts at boarding welcome. Call 555-4527

#

The Third Annual Eastern Poker Championship will take place as scheduled over then next weekend.

The event is expected to last the entire forty-eight hours, so stock up on snacks, folks.

ACCOMPANYING NOTE: Don't even think about it, Hughes.

#

FREE TO GOOD HOME:

Half-bull, half-lion chimeric hellbeast

Answers to the name Fluffy

Contact Corporal Colin Andrews if interested

#

The next meeting of the Miniskirt Army will be in Conference Room 302-a at 10:00 Saturday morning.

#

Single Ishbalan male seeks single Amestrian. Interests include alchemy, religion, and homicide. Call 555-7227 if interested.

#

The live goldfish-swallowing contest will take place in the cafeteria at noon Saturday. Bring you appetites.

#

Flame vs. Fullmetal

Match Dates: TBA

Tickets: 250 cenz

Cadet Tickets (with ID): 200 cenz

Popcorn: 175 cenz

Cold Drinks: 150 cenz

All bets to be placed with Vato Fallman

#

The Mustard Gas demonstration has been rescheduled to this Thursday at 3:30. Please see Lt. Maria Ross for details.

#

BUTTON: The Truth is out there…but I lost the address.

#

TOP FIVE SCARIEST THINGS IN EASTERN HEADQUARTERS

5. Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes with photographs.

4. The Fullmetal Alchemist on a sugar high.

3. The Flame Alchemist on a rampage

2. Lt. Riza Hawkeye and her sniper rifle

And the Number One scariest thing in Eastern Headquarters:

General Olivia Armstrong in a tank

#

WANTED: Recordings and/or sheet music for any songs written by Edward Elric, including That Song, and the one about the Ishbalan.

#

Posted under a photograph of Lt. Yoki:

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Wanted alive and reasonably unharmed for questioning in relation to charges of defrauding the State and attempted bribery of a State Alchemist.

100,000 cenz reward

ACCOMPANYING NOTE: Define "reasonably unharmed."

#

Black and white sports pennant for the Torchwood Pterodactyls

#

THE STORM HAS ARRIVED! PREPARE FOR THE END TIMES!

#

BUTTON: Carpe alchemist.

ACCOMPANYING NOTE: No, glomp the alchemist.

#

The Ladies' Needlework and Assassination Squad will be meeting Wednesday night at 7:00. Check with Lt. Riza Hawkeye or Gracia Hughes for information on this week's agenda.

#

We are only figments of the cow's imagination.

ACCOMPANYING NOTE: What the hell…?

#

BUTTON: It's an alchemist thing.

#

A photograph of Roy Mustang, in a rocking chair, with Elysia Hughes curled up in his lap and clutching her blanket with the purple kitties on it. Both are asleep, and look utterly content and absolutely adorable.

ACCOMPANYING NOTE: There's more where this came from, Roy. I want my camera back.

ACCOMPANYING NOTE: Of course, you realize, this means war.

#

To be continued...


	21. Chapter 19

Gah.

It's been a three-month unintended hiatus featuring a landlady getting ready to go into foreclosure, an impending move, and a dead downstairs neighbor, but I'm back. At long last, I'm back.

So, as I said in my profile, updates are going to be sporadic at best for now. I've been kind of preoccupied with finding a new place to live, and packing all of my books.

I've also been collecting more rules and regulations, which you'll be seeing in the future.

One other bit of news while I'm thinking about it. At the end of April, this story was nominated for the FMA Goldworth Awards for Most Humorous story, and won. Thanks to all my readers, and to everyone who voted.

As always, FMA isn't mine, and reviews are always welcome.

I just hope I haven't lost my touch here.

#

"_Let's go, Al."_

_Alphonse Elric did not currently possess a body, but that didn't stop him from having a sinking feeling in the pit of where his stomach would have been at the look on his brother's face. One of the few good things about his armor was that he could hide it._

"_How was your meeting with the Colonel?" he asked. "You were in there for an awfully long time."_

_Edward bared his teeth. Alphonse couldn't bring himself to call it a smile. "Same as always," he said. "Same insults, same jokes about my height…"_

"_Did you…do something, Brother?" Al asked, images of mass destruction dancing in his head._

"_I found out Mustang has good taste in something, at least." He snickered unpleasantly. "Among other things…"_

"_Oh, Brother, what did you do?" _

_Edward grinned at him. "Nothing he'll notice for a while," he said. "Now, let's go before he – "_

"_FULLMETAL!" Colonel Mustang burst out of his office, holding what looked like an empty tin in his left hand, and wearing one of his ignition gloves on the right._

"_Race you back to the dorms," Edward said, then sprinted out of the office, cackling all the way._

#

You are not allowed to steal Colonel Mustang's stash.

_As it turned out, Mustang had a stash of caramel candies in his desk drawer. Edward found them one day while he was waiting for Mustang to arrive so he could drop off his report, and ended up eating most of them._

#

"Catch and release" does not apply to anything with less than four legs.

_One of Edward's more aggressive fangirls had glomped him and was refusing to let him go, citing a study of the mating habits of State Alchemists she was conducting. A few well-chosen words and a carefully applied wrench from Winry Rockbell convinced her to cancel the experiment._

#

Amestrian anti-slavery laws apply to new recruits.

a. Maes.

"_Easy for you to say," Hughes grumbled. "You're not the one dealing with a crabgrass infestation."_

#

Unless you know for certain what a plant is, do not attempt to smoke it.

_Havoc had apparently run out of cigarettes while on maneuvers, and tried making due with a plant with odd, five-pointed leaves. When Breda and Fuery dragged him back to the dorms, he was high as a kite and craving potato chips._

#

If you can see the ninja, he is not a ninja.

_This, after Elysia walked up to the man in black dangling from her uncle's ceiling and asked him what he was doing there._

#

The following men are off-limits: Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes, Edward Elric, Vato Fallman.

_After finding out just how many female admirers their men had, the ladies took matters into their own hands to defend their territory._

#

You are not allowed to join the anti-establishment movement.

"_We've already got more than enough people undercover in the movement," Hughes said to Roy. "Besides, it would interfere with our own plans if we had wild cards running around."_

#

You are not allowed to start an anti-anti-establishment movement.

"_As amusing as that might be, it would also be counterproductive," Roy said._

#

The Flame Alchemist is to be kept away from spicy food.

"_It gives him heartburn like you wouldn't believe," Havoc said, just before his pencil caught fire._

#

You are not allowed to neuter Captain Jack Harkness.

a. Even if he does deserve it.

_When it came to stealing girlfriends, Jack Harkness made Roy Mustang look like a rank amateur._

#

Do not lose bets with the alchemists.

_After Armstrong won a bet with Frank Archer regarding the apparent nature of Roy Mustang's relationship with Riza Hawkeye, Archer was forced to listen to a full recounting of Armstrong's family history and traditions._

_According to the grapevine, Archer put in for a transfer to Aquroyo in hopes that the city would sink while he was there and put him out of his misery._

#

Do not win bets with the alchemists.

_Alphonse Elric, it turned out, was a sore loser._

#

Whoever put the rubber tarantulas in Colonel Mustang's desk, start running.

_It was a very little known fact that Roy Mustang was terrified of spiders. The utter chaos sparked by his panic attack upon finding his desk drawer apparently full of the creatures sent Hawkeye into full-blown bodyguard mode, and sent Edward Elric into hiding for a week._

#

Our motto is not "Be nice or we'll kill you."

a. That's Hawkeye's motto.

_Nobody was willing to admit to this one, even though Hawkeye did think it was funny._

#

You are not allowed to steal Lt. Colonel Hughes's coffee.

"_The man carries knives, and he is not a morning person," Maria Ross said. "Do I really need to say more?"_

#

A camera flash is not a revenge tool.

_Roy spent two hours walking into furniture after Hughes got him._

#

The roller skates stay outside.

_By the time it was over, half of Mustang's staff, including the colonel himself, and most of the Investigations office, including Lt. Colonel Hughes, ended up in a bruised and battered heap at the end of the corridor._

"_I was doing fine," Hawkeye moaned as Fuery helped her to her feet, "right up until I had to turn that corner…"_

#

Do not mock the alchemists._"What did you do to him?" Maes asked, prodding gently with his boot at the twitching wreckage that had once been Captain Marx._

_The identical evil smiles on Roy Mustang and Edward Elric's faces gave him nightmares for a week._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is not to be taught how to handle a flamethrower.

_Rumor had it he was gunning for Mustang's title._

#

A triple-dog-dare does not override a direct order.

"_With all due respect, sir, you don't understand," Sgt. Fuery said. "A triple-dog-dare is a matter of honor. Insubordination doesn't even factor into it."_

#


	22. Chapter 20

Gah.

First of all, I want to apologize for being so very far behind on my updates. The events of RL have been massively overtaking me, plus I've been working on an original project.

To say nothing of this opening segment being a bitch and a half to write. I think I wrote and re-wrote it at least five times from several different points of view before I finally came up with something I was even halfway happy with. And even now, I have my reservations.

As always, Fullmetal Alchemist and the associated characters and situations are not mine,

Again, I apologize for this being so very late. I hope you enjoy this, and as always, any reviews you might submit will be much appreciated.

#

_It was a little-known fact that Roy Mustang loathed hospitals. His associations with the places ranged from painful to traumatic, though he half-hoped that the new physician on staff - one Dr. Fraiser - could change his mind if he gave her a chance._

_He had gotten word that his best friend was getting stitched up in the emergency room, and had arrived a few hours ago, only to get stuck with looking after Elysia while Gracia grilled the doctors and nurses on what happened to land Maes there._

_"Uncle Roy," Elysia said, "do army people get in trouble for fighting?"_

_Ah, so it had been a fight. He hadn't had a chance to talk to Maes about whatever case had most recently been giving him fits, but he'd heard something about him taking on a fellow knife nut and losing. "That depends on why they were fighting," he said. "Why?"_

_Elysia scooted closer to him. "Mama said Daddy was fighting with knives," she said solemnly. "Is he gonna get yelled at?"_

Knowing your mother, yes_, Roy almost said._

#

Professionals are predictable. Amateurs are dangerous.

_This, after Lt. Colonel Hughes ended up in a brawl with a wanna-be knife thrower who had been trying to copy his technique. Both he and his uniform suffered for it._

#

In the war between the sexes, baby pictures are now officially a banned weapon.

_During Fuery's convalescence, Mrs. Armstrong had come to visit him and had brought a scrapbook of photos of Olivia from when she was little. There was nothing too terribly scandalous in it, but when Olivia found out, she was heard to be giving her mother an earful about it._

#

You are not allowed to call in dead.

_The lengths to which Edward would go to avoid turning in his reports was starting to get silly._

#

Electrical equipment cannot swim.

_Hughes had been experimenting with surveillance devices that could survive in water. So far, it hadn't worked._

#

I don't give a damn where or how bad your rash is, clothing is not optional.

_Breda had used the wrong leaf during a mid-maneuvers pit stop. Dr. Fraiser treated his injuries, and quickly learned that he was planning to forego wearing pants during his recovery._

#

Stopwatches have their uses. _That_ is not one of them.

_The last time anyone saw Hawkeye blushing like that was right after the Kilt Incident._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist's younger brother is neither a grill nor an oven.

_In Maria's defense, Alphonse was a willing participant, and the cookies were the best she'd ever baked._

#

State Alchemists are no longer to be referred to homunculus fodder.

a. Even if they are.

"_It makes it entirely too obvious," Pride said. "Isn't that right, my dear?"_

"_As you say, sir," Sloth replied._

#

Pornography is not to be produced as training films on how to get venereal disease.

"_Well, it was worth a try…"_

#

You do not have the ability to see the future.

"_Like Colonel Bastard would ever do anything to get busted all the way down to Corporal," Edward scoffed after a long, weird conversation with Lt. MacLeod._

#

If the legitimate results of an experiment do not require an explosion, you do not need to cause one.

"_But that's half the fun of it," Alphonse protested._

#

What happens on a day off is not to be mentioned at work.

"_Really?" Maes said to Roy when he saw the new rule. "I thought it was strange that I saw you and Ed getting along so well yesterday."_

_If he hadn't moved as fast as he did, Roy would have incinerated him._

#

There is no height requirement for vacation time.

"_You know, Roy, that was a shocking abuse of power," Maes said._

"_Why, thank you, Maes."_

"_That wasn't a compliment."_

"_Oh."_

#

You are not allowed to make the homunculi cry.

a. It's just tacky.

"_Well, how was I supposed to know he was so touchy?" Ed demanded as Lust went to console her sidekick._

_If he'd been a hair slower, she would have killed him._

#

Do not annoy the driver.

_After spending half an hour listening to Breda and Havoc sitting in the back seat and speculating about her and Colonel Mustang's relationship, Hawkeye put them out of the car and made them walk the ten miles back to base._

#

Madame Christmas is to be left alone.

_Jack Harkness supposedly fainted when she made a pass at him._

"_That must have been some pass," Maes said once he stopped laughing._

#

If there is a monster in the office, let it have the office.

"_But it had my doll!" Elysia wailed as her uncle posted the new rule._

#

You are not allowed to write tell-all books.

_Lieutenant Hawkeye was reportedly keeping detailed notes for a book she was planning to have published and released for wide distribution after Mustang became Fuehrer._

"_I'm publishing it as fiction, sir," she said when Mustang asked about it. "I doubt anyone would believe it otherwise."_

#

Unless your duties or the situation require it, you are not allowed to wear hazardous environment gear.

"_I couldn't find my desk, Lieutenant," Mustang said after he removed his gas mask. "The cigarette smoke – " He directed a very pointed stare in Havoc's direction. " – was that thick."_

#

Unless you can prove you possess a working knowledge of the distilling of alcohol, abandon the still and let someone who knows what they're doing take over.

_The rumors about the still in the empty laboratory on the fifth floor were thought to be just that until the thing blew up. What remained was a pile of twisted metal, broken glass, and a liquid with the explosive properties of lighter fluid._

#

A/N: I've already written the story of Elysia and the monster that had her doll. As soon as I edit it, I'll post it. The one about the days off was inspired by a drawing by cat_cat at Deviantart. I haven't written anything around that yet, but give me time.


	23. Chapter 23

A year.

It's hard to believe it's been over a freaking year since I last updated.

Apologies and much groveling are definitely called for, and once again, I do have to plead writer's block. You see, back when I started doing this, I decided that I would write the story for the rule at the top of the list, no matter what. No playing around with the order of the rules to make things easier.

Just my luck I got one I really didn't have a back story for, and had no ideas for a back story.

FMA and all associated characters and situations still belong to Arakawa-san, and the guest stars belong to the people who created them. *Definitely pouting on this one.*

#

_Janet Frasier was pissed. _

_No, scratch that. She was beyond pissed._

_"Let me get this straight," she said. The subject of her scrutiny, one Sergeant Daniel Brosch, shrank back under the force of her glare. "You're saying that I have spent the last three hours turning my infirmary upside down, and gone so far as to put this entire section of the building under quarantine for the sake of a prank. Is that right?"_

_Danny whimpered._

_"Are you sure this isn't because I was planning to take biopsy samples from your bladder and kidneys?" she asked._

_Danny whimpered again, and nodded. He had a very bad feeling that anything Lt. Col. Hughes could do to him would pale in comparison to her._

#

You are not allowed to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.

_Danny Brosch had gotten it into his head to prank Dr. Janet, as she had come to be called. After an extensive physical exam that involved a lot of bloodwork, many specimens, and the threat of at least one biopsy from parts of his body that were not readily accessible, he broke down and confessed._

#

Any food in the break room ice box is to be eaten or otherwise removed within three days. After that, it gets thrown out.

_There was a meatloaf sandwich in the back of the fridge that Hawkeye was willing to swear had made a pass at her._

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is not a harbinger of chaos.

"_Oh, yes, he is," chorused Mustang, Havoc, Breda, and Fallman._

#

Just because Alphonse Elric did it, doesn't mean that you can.

"_What is it with Breda and animals?" Havoc asked after the Xingese princess's cat tried to rip Breda's face off. "All he did was try to pick her up."_

"_Xiao Mei," the princess said with a dignity far beyond her years, "does not like to be touched by strangers."_

"_That's funny," Alphonse said as the cat in question gnawed contentedly on his gauntlet, "she seems to like me well enough."_

#

Maes Hughes is not a shape-shifting fox spirit.

We think.

_The day after Sciezka found the restaurant, she tried to go back, only to find it wasn't there. "I'm almost sure I wasn't hallucinating," she said later._

#

Lt. Hawkeye is always armed. Never assume she isn't.

_Colonel Mustang gave her a wide berth for a week after he found out that she always had at least a dozen weapons on her at any given time._

#

Do not mention the Jump Rope Incident to Edward Elric.

"_Tied up by a four year old," Edward moaned after he'd been let loose, "I'm never gonna live this down…"_

#

You are not allowed to feed your colleagues to your carnivorous plants.

_Nobody was willing to go near Lt. Hawkeye's new Venus Fly Trap after they found out it ate meat._

"_I think it was watching me, Al," Edward said as they left the office._

#

The Eastern Headquarters grapevine is not necessarily accurate.

_By the time the grapevine got through with the story of Mustang and Hawkeye's argument, she had dumped him, quit the army, and taken up with a piano player in a Cretan jazz band. Roy Mustang, meanwhile, had given up on women, taken a vow of celibacy, shaved his head, and become a monk._

#

Your commanding officer is not to be used as a wager, no matter how high the stakes are.

"_Let me get this straight," Gracia said in a disturbingly level tone considering what had just come out of the captain's mouth, "what you're telling me is that you lost _my husband_ in a poker game. Is that correct?"_

#

You are not allowed to spike the water cooler.

_The first anyone realized something was wrong was when Lt. Hawkeye started singing the song about the Xingese prince and the lady thief._

#

You are not one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

"_With all due respect, Lt. Pierson," Mustang said, "Fullmetal is more likely to be the personification of Death than you are."_

#

Any mention of tentacles has been banned.

_The song about the girl sniper, the chauffer, and the thing with all the arms was both wildly popular and amazingly obscene._

_Half the base now got the giggles at the very mention of the word._

#

You are not an angel, and you do not need a vessel. Stop saying you do.

_Captain James Novak frowned and cocked his head as he read the rule. Then, according to witnesses, he took two steps and vanished into thin air._

#

You are not allowed to drink three quarts of water with red food coloring before a urine test, and scream while it's going on.

_It was the first and only time Dr. Janet ever fainted on the job._

_Gracia Hughes and Riza Hawkeye promised to take her out for drinks during her recovery._

#

The standard military sidearm is not a chainsaw.

_Master Sergeant Williams had used one while helping to clean up after a particularly bad storm, and had taken to the thing so well it was starting to scare people._

#

Do not draw fire. It pisses off the people around you.

_During routine maneuvers, Havoc decided to play hero. If they had actually been under enemy fire, he, Breda, and Mustang would all have ended up dead._

#

You are not allowed to burn the office furniture.

"_It was part of an investigation," Hughes insisted. "And, besides, it was hideous."_

#

The Fullmetal Alchemist is not ammunition.

_A few of the enlisted men had built a catapult, and were having trouble finding something to fire out of it, so they grabbed the first handy thing to came along, which turned out to be Edward Elric._

_To say Edward was not amused would be putting it gently._

#

Interference in a subordinate's love life is neither necessary or appreciated.

_Colonel Mustang had started another "Find Havoc a girlfriend so he can get laid and stop bitching about it" campaign._

_It took two hours to coax Havoc out from under his bed after it was all over._

#

A/N 1: For those of you who don't watch the show _Supernatural_, it is a show about two brothers who start out hunting for the demon that killed their mother. Later their focus turns to trying to stop the apocalypse. James Novak is the name of the poor sod that Castiel, the fallen angel who helps them out occasionally, is possessing. The disappearing trick is a thing Cas and the other angels on the show tend to do.

A/N 2: Master Sergeant Williams, a.k.a. Ash, is from the _Evil Dead_ movies. The chainsaw and shotgun were his weapons of choice by the end of the trilogy.


End file.
